People

So finals are coming up.. and I'm realizing it's the end of another year. Isn't that just crazy? I've been here for two years... So much has happened. These have by far, been the most crazy two years of my life. So much has happened. So much good, yet there has been plenty of room for bad. Yet I don't think I would change anything if i could. I am a different person than i was two years ago... I was Naive and so full of expectations and worries and hopes and dreams. So confident in myself and yet at the same time absolutely terrified, doubtful, and in a totally new environment.

I have had so many friends that have come and gone in these two years, so many relationships i thought would last forever, some that i hoped would last forever, that all ended more abruptly than i care to think about. I have realized that 'I' can choose who i want to be, who i want to be around, how i want to treat people. I have realized that i make the decision that dictate my life. I don't have to follow other peoples plans for my life. I know that it's up to me.

there have been times when i lost myself to other people. when i have put more into others lives than into my own. I have tried to live up to everyone else's expectations and forgotten my own. I have tried braking away from everyones expectations and lost myself.

And then I finally decided that none of it really mattered. All that mattered was if I was myself! And then i was happy. I stopped letting myself be controlled by the people around me and started living my life for ME. that was definitely a big moment and decision and HUGE process for me.

I have learned to deal with people. I have realized that everyone is different. Everyone does not think like me, and other people don't look at things the way that i do. I have tried to be a voice of reason when it's needed. (altho I'm not always good at listening to it) I have learned to look at things from other peoples point of view. I have learned to understand other people. That is the greatest gift God has given me. It's nowhere near perfection, but at least i try.

I have learned that just because a situation is not completely comfortable for me doesn't mean that it's wrong. My views on some things have changed, i am learning the art of choosing 'wisely' which battles are worth fighting in. I have learned how to recognize a true friend. I have learned to recognize a lie.

I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I have had heartache, I have had true joy, I have been confused, I have seen the light, I have procrastinated, I have become the Queen of Procrastination, I have been naive and innocent, and I have used Urban Dictionary, I am truly the person that I want to be. There is room for me to grow into a better person, But I am happy when I look in the mirror. I know who it is that I am looking at when i see my reflection.

I have found my core group of friends that I can always go back to, nomatter what. You know who you are. I don't have to name you. I love you.

*sigh*

First of all i would like to apologize to Phillip Hair. This is, yet again, going to be a sucky-hate people-life is stupid-i'm not happy-i'm depressed blog. I'm sorry. this is my outlet when i feel that way... sorry

Secondly, i would like to say that I am not happy, and i have no motivation to do anything (including but not limited to studying for exams, witting a paper, going to meetings... etc)

Thirdly, I just want to cry... but once again for some reason unknown to me i just plain can't get the tears to start flowing. last time this happened it took God smacking me upside the head at Convocation to actually get me to open up the floodgates.

Fourth, I have no idea what to do about any of it.

So yeah... I've gotten myself here again. Except I really can't figure out how it's my fault.. I really can't... usually I know what i did...not this time...
It's not my fault that i care. is it my fault that i care too much? is it my fault that i know exactly how much i can and cannot handle? did i overreact and can i handle more than i say i can and am i just being a 'cop out friend'?

I basically broke off all ties with someone who was at one point a best friend... told them i couldn't care about them anymore... that all i had been was hurt and that they never listened to me... yeah... so if you have issues i can't be your friend. i can only handle so much ya know. I can't handle stuff like that anymore. If i can't fix you in a timely fashion then apparently your too much trouble. i don't give up on people... i can't... and now my ties are severed.. i have snapped. finally quit on someone. knew i'd do it someday... but i didn't realize it would come so soon.

I don't know what to say or what to do. at times i feel justified... but then at moments like this i feel like i have fallen short....


AND THEN, if that wasn't enough... now i may have hurt another friendship... i called them out... i had been hearing that they were not doing good, that they were not with the right people, that they were being disrespectful, and that they just seemed to be falling short... so I called them out.. from a thousand miles away... and know what? they got upset... they accused me of doing things that they know i would never do. i don't know what to say or do. i feel lost in all this mess..


on top of all of this emotional stress there is the stress of school. I feel like i'm shutting down. i don't care anymore. i feel totally indiferent. i have an exam in the morning. i have a paper due later tomorow. havent started the paper, and i've barely studied. i just don't care. i have no motivation at all.

I'm to that point where all i want to do is find a quiet place and just sit there. i don't want to be expected to do anything. i want to just be. exist. that's all i want for a day. i am totally drained. and i don't know what is going to rejuvinate me.

i know what i need.. i need to be with God. But that means forgetting all that i'm suppose to be doing. because when i try to pray, and just have a quiet time, it works for a few minutes, but when i want to spend more time than ususal i can't concentrate.

*sigh*

I'm a mess again. great. Can I please just be done for the semester? please? I hate most of my classes anyway.

I'm sorry to be such a kill joy. soon as i get a good cry i'll be fine. for real. i'm a weird girl like that. so who's up for a sad movie marathon?

Distance between hearts?

So. I have a problem. I don't know where I stand anymore with some people. I use to be the one person that no matter what could call them out. I use to be the best friend. But now I'm a thousand miles away, more busy with life than I have ever been, and feel like I can't fill the same role I use to. All I hear is one side of the story and the story is looking bleak. I am so worried. Every time I think about them I get upset and worried and just wanna call or write a letter... But I don't know if I can anymore... I mean I use to be the person that could say anything and not make them upset with me... But now.. with a thousand miles between us and me more busy with life than I have ever been... I just don't know...

*Sigh*

I just wish this were easier. I wish I could get a clear answer. I feel obligation. But I'm scared at the reaction.