I have so much on my mind and I want it to spill out and onto a page and into a blog. But everything is so jumbled that I feel like I can't possibly pull a single thought to the surface to expound upon.

I wish I could have the simple days back when my biggest decisions were in my choice what game to play with my brothers and sisters. I miss the days when my family was crazy yet inseparable.

Went to a big church function the last two days. Last night was the youth service. I know that I am not where I should be with God. I know that if I was where everyone assumes that I am, then life would probably be much easier. But I have this problem. Two problems really. They are called Trust and Control. I trust myself. Thats about it. And I feel safe when I am in control.

I didn't really come to terms with the fact that I have these issues or realize how large they were until recently. I know why I have trust issues. I can explain them away. I can give myself a rational reason as to why I can't compare past experience to the future. But it does not work. All I know is the past.

Having control of everything requires me to have trust in no one but me. So it all works out in this endless cycle of crap. In a cycle that is going to get me no where.

So back to the church thing. Last night I wept before God. Not just the single teardrop here and there. I sobbed. My heart feels like it has been torn from my chest and ripped to pieces. And my mind screams that I am doing the same to another. The thought that I would cause another the pain the I have felt or am feeling makes the pain worse. And I let God know that. I begged Him to let me know that this hasn't all been for nothing. That this isn't all for nothing. That I would have peace. That He would give me His Joy again. That everything would just be okay.

God said not to give up. He said to trust Him. He said that His plans for me when I went to college are the same today as they were then. He said to have patience. He said that time heals all wounds. He said that he can change anyones heart. Even mine.

I am at a point where I need to decide if I want Him or not. I have to decide if I am going to go after Him with all my hear the way that I have gone after another. I have to decide. ME.

So here I sit. At my crossroads. Terrified to loose control. Terrified to put my full trust in God. Knowing the right choice. But scared to make it.

I live in conflict.

Changes...

Oh how life changes. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. I have officially graduated from college with a degree in Psychology. I thought that I would be best off doing School Counseling at the same school I graduated from. I was already accepted to their program and was in the process of making plans to move with my best friend to that town. I had my life perfectly planned out. nearly every detail. I had perfect reasons for attending that school, for choosing that program, for keeping everything the way that I had it.

Now everything is changing. I have decided to go to a school closer to home. (If that's what Maine still is. My family is here... I grew up here... I think it is still home, but I haven't thought of it that way in a few years. I have spent the last 2 years planning my life around a single variable. And now that very thing seems to no longer be a part of the equation. And the hardest part is that I am the one writing the equation.) I have changed my decision in what field I want to go into as well. Now I am wanting to study in the field of Clinical Psychology. I am really excited about this field as well. It is so interesting and I have enjoyed everything I have learned in the subject. So I know that I will enjoy the program. And I know I will enjoy the change.

I don't know what the right choice is here. I use to think I knew. I thought there was only one answer. But now I don't. There are so many different possibilities in front of me, and I don't know what to choose. I wish someone else could choose for me. I wish that the equation would just write itself. I wish that I wasn't hurting someone else. However, I have learned that wishes simply don't come true. I don't have a pony, haven't won a million, haven't sold the property, and this problem didn't just disappear over time.

I am ready for change. But not for this much...