i dont know what to do anymore...
i just want to cry...
i dont have answers anymore...
i am terrified to move...
i dont know what i need...
all i know is what i want...
i want to run away....
to never never land...
*Sigh*
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
*sigh*
Please dont spaz when you read this its just a blog written in my frustration...
So it seems like everything is all falling apart. I don’t know what is going on. Between friends here and friends/family at home I just want to know who is doing ok. There is so much hurt and drama and I just do not know what to say anymore… I can relate with every situation because I have either been there myself or am there now… I just do not know anymore… it seems like there are more things to worry about than to be thankful for… I know that that not true so don’t bother scolding me but that is exactly how I feel right now… I just need something… but the things that I want and the things that I need are so different…
*sigh*
Honestly I just want to stop and do what I want to do and give up on everyone else. It would be so easy… so incredibly easy… at least when compared to what I’m dealing with now… the simplicity of what I think I could do is so appealing and the voice of my conscious is becoming more silent with every day… I guess my biggest deal here is a desire to be able to make my own decision without being judged… or being told what to do.
I hate being told what to do with my life. I am done listening. I can’t stand it anymore. I just want you to love me for me. Some of you do. And some of you don’t. I just want to be me, who I want to be, not who you want me to be.
When I go home… I go back to being Daddy’s little girl… Mommy’s baby… and sometimes I love that… I love my Mom and Dad…. And they love me.. they want to protect me from everything… forever… but what they don’t see is that they can’t. they don’t realize that for 9 months out of the year I get to be my own person and make my own decisions… and I love it… ever seen ‘Dirty Dancing’? if you have you will understand exactly where this is coming from: “Nobody puts Baby in a corner”
I just don’t know… maybe this is just a mood I am in for a week… maybe it will all pass and I’ll be fine when I wake up and wonder why I ever wrote this and see that I am perfectly content with life and who I am and everything… and if so I’ll let you know..
Oh well…. I guess I just needed to vent…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GuX-F08fwI
*sigh*
Honestly I just want to stop and do what I want to do and give up on everyone else. It would be so easy… so incredibly easy… at least when compared to what I’m dealing with now… the simplicity of what I think I could do is so appealing and the voice of my conscious is becoming more silent with every day… I guess my biggest deal here is a desire to be able to make my own decision without being judged… or being told what to do.
I hate being told what to do with my life. I am done listening. I can’t stand it anymore. I just want you to love me for me. Some of you do. And some of you don’t. I just want to be me, who I want to be, not who you want me to be.
When I go home… I go back to being Daddy’s little girl… Mommy’s baby… and sometimes I love that… I love my Mom and Dad…. And they love me.. they want to protect me from everything… forever… but what they don’t see is that they can’t. they don’t realize that for 9 months out of the year I get to be my own person and make my own decisions… and I love it… ever seen ‘Dirty Dancing’? if you have you will understand exactly where this is coming from: “Nobody puts Baby in a corner”
I just don’t know… maybe this is just a mood I am in for a week… maybe it will all pass and I’ll be fine when I wake up and wonder why I ever wrote this and see that I am perfectly content with life and who I am and everything… and if so I’ll let you know..
Oh well…. I guess I just needed to vent…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GuX-F08fwI
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Compass..
So I just watched a movie today, “Pirates of the Caribbean 1 &3” and as I was watching there was something that caught my attention and hit me… If you have seen all three you will know about Jacks Compass. It is quite a concept when you think about it. His compass points to what he wants the most. There is a lot going on in the second and third movies but part of it deals with Jack and his compass. He is so conflicted that he has no idea what he wants. There is so much that he wants that he can’t decide what the thing he wants the most is.
How often do we feel that way? How often do I feel that way? Half of the time I want so much that I don’t know what I want the most… I have so many desires and dreams that sit on such a large scale, but I have so many everyday whims and wishes that distract me from the bigger picture… I get distracted so easily. So many times my compass is not sure and steady but instead spinning in circles… and when it finally starts pointing straight I am walking in the wrong direction…
I think of it as trying to get my independence. I can’t stand people telling me what to do… and so I end up doing the opposite of what they are telling me, sometimes this works out good and other times it does not. I don’t know why I am the way that I am… I trust no one but myself… but I have gotten myself into so much trouble… most of my problems come from my lack of trust… the only problem is that I never know who to trust. Everyone seems to want my trust but only a few of the people I end up trusting deserve it… I don’t understand why I do, but I do…
So I guess the jist of it is that I really am a confusing/complicated/unexplainable person… even I don’t understand me… and believe me, it frustrates me as much as it does you…
How often do we feel that way? How often do I feel that way? Half of the time I want so much that I don’t know what I want the most… I have so many desires and dreams that sit on such a large scale, but I have so many everyday whims and wishes that distract me from the bigger picture… I get distracted so easily. So many times my compass is not sure and steady but instead spinning in circles… and when it finally starts pointing straight I am walking in the wrong direction…
I think of it as trying to get my independence. I can’t stand people telling me what to do… and so I end up doing the opposite of what they are telling me, sometimes this works out good and other times it does not. I don’t know why I am the way that I am… I trust no one but myself… but I have gotten myself into so much trouble… most of my problems come from my lack of trust… the only problem is that I never know who to trust. Everyone seems to want my trust but only a few of the people I end up trusting deserve it… I don’t understand why I do, but I do…
So I guess the jist of it is that I really am a confusing/complicated/unexplainable person… even I don’t understand me… and believe me, it frustrates me as much as it does you…
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Perfect Timing....
10/6/08
So… God is amazing… that’s just in case any of you did not already know… Somehow He knows what you need and when you really do need it…. Don’t ask me how, He just does… I was at my breaking point… having been for awhile… and tonight… God did something amazing… He spoke to me. The service He led spoke to me. And then He had someone else speak to me. So I suppose that kind of means third time’s the charm… at least for me.
Tonight I expected chapel to be really good, mostly because I knew that Campus Choir was going to be singing and I love them to death… but not because I thought anything in the message would pertain to my life or what is going on in my life. I was completely wrong… Loran Livingston was the speaker and he talked about some things he has learned about God over the years…
1) God will NEVER allow me to be comfortable.
a. When you are comfortable you are not growing
i. Stress, hard times, heart break, headache- all give room for growth
2) HE IS my comfort, hope, and peace
a. He doesn’t give it He IS it
3) God Uses my weaknesses NOT my strengths
a. God does not see you the way that you see you
i. He sees the result while you only see the process
ii. Everyone God uses thought they were unusable
iii. WHEN HE PUTS HIS HAND ON YOU IT DOESN’T COME OFF
iv. WHEN YOU REALIZE WHERE YOU ARE (YOU HAVE NOTHING BUT GOD) YOU ARE ABOUT TO LEARN SOMETHING AMAZING. (IN YOUR WEAKNESS HE IS MADE STRONG)
v. GOD NEVER GIVES UP ON YOU
vi. YOUR ROAD IS SPECIALLY DESIGNED
1. IT IS NOT AN ACCIDENT THAT YOU ARE HERE
vii. IF GOD STARTED IT HE WILL COMPLETE IT
4) He will not do what you are dreaming He will do
a. Because what He has for you is better than what you can even imagine
And that right there was the sermon… It was preached for me and I didn’t even realize it. So when the sermon ended he had an altar call for… well I cant remember what for… but I was torn, I wanted to go but figured it would not do any good… so I just stood and worshipped until they started playing the song “Amazed” by Lincoln Brewster… and then I just sat down, put my head in my hands and prayed…
I have been wanting to cry… just cry my eyes out for a good 2 weeks now… and I haven’t been able to shed a single tear… I even watched some movies like Gladiator and Brave Heart in hopes that I would tear up, to no avail…
So as I sat there, head in my hands, so confused, lost upset, frustrated, and in need of a good cry, I finally opened up to God… told Him what was wrong, told Him I was lost, oh so terribly lost… and I knew what I needed to be doing… I know that where I am, is not where I am supposed to be… in school, relationships, and myself.
Earlier today I had a meeting with Debbie White at the center for Calling and Career… and I suppose that was in a way, a wakeup call. We talked and I told her a lot of what was going on, at least as much as you tell a person in the space of a half an hour. We talked about change, and I told her that one of the biggest changes I was seeing in myself was that I was wanting more and more independence. To my shock she was not cautious, telling me to be careful how much independence I wanted, but instead told me that it was good for me! And that I need more independence or someday I will wake up and realize that my life is not my own. She also talked about my major change… asked me why I changed and how I felt about it… asked me about my summer… and asked me what I was feeling in regards to my calling… and I told her everything… I told her I changed my major because it was ‘the smart thing to do’ and I told her that I worked with the youth group this summer and LOVED it… I told her I didn’t necessarily love the Preaching/Teaching part but LOVED the personal relationships, and giving advice when I could, and listening when I needed to, and I have a real passion for Drama/Human Videos/Interpretative Movement (Whatever label you want to put on it) and as we talked I knew that she was thinking the same thing that I was… Education is not for me… with my ‘Strengths’ and what I said she mentioned something that I had been thinking about… Counseling…
So as you can see all day I have been seeing and listening and realizing more and more that it is my move.. my turn.. There is nothing else that anyone else can do, its all up to me. I realized that as I was praying,,, and then the most unexpected thing ever happened… someone that I hardly knew came over to me and started praying for me… and I knew every word came straight from Heaven… and I finally cried…
Now all that is left is for me to act on it… and I plan to soon… Thanks Jesus for having Patience with me…
So… God is amazing… that’s just in case any of you did not already know… Somehow He knows what you need and when you really do need it…. Don’t ask me how, He just does… I was at my breaking point… having been for awhile… and tonight… God did something amazing… He spoke to me. The service He led spoke to me. And then He had someone else speak to me. So I suppose that kind of means third time’s the charm… at least for me.
Tonight I expected chapel to be really good, mostly because I knew that Campus Choir was going to be singing and I love them to death… but not because I thought anything in the message would pertain to my life or what is going on in my life. I was completely wrong… Loran Livingston was the speaker and he talked about some things he has learned about God over the years…
1) God will NEVER allow me to be comfortable.
a. When you are comfortable you are not growing
i. Stress, hard times, heart break, headache- all give room for growth
2) HE IS my comfort, hope, and peace
a. He doesn’t give it He IS it
3) God Uses my weaknesses NOT my strengths
a. God does not see you the way that you see you
i. He sees the result while you only see the process
ii. Everyone God uses thought they were unusable
iii. WHEN HE PUTS HIS HAND ON YOU IT DOESN’T COME OFF
iv. WHEN YOU REALIZE WHERE YOU ARE (YOU HAVE NOTHING BUT GOD) YOU ARE ABOUT TO LEARN SOMETHING AMAZING. (IN YOUR WEAKNESS HE IS MADE STRONG)
v. GOD NEVER GIVES UP ON YOU
vi. YOUR ROAD IS SPECIALLY DESIGNED
1. IT IS NOT AN ACCIDENT THAT YOU ARE HERE
vii. IF GOD STARTED IT HE WILL COMPLETE IT
4) He will not do what you are dreaming He will do
a. Because what He has for you is better than what you can even imagine
And that right there was the sermon… It was preached for me and I didn’t even realize it. So when the sermon ended he had an altar call for… well I cant remember what for… but I was torn, I wanted to go but figured it would not do any good… so I just stood and worshipped until they started playing the song “Amazed” by Lincoln Brewster… and then I just sat down, put my head in my hands and prayed…
I have been wanting to cry… just cry my eyes out for a good 2 weeks now… and I haven’t been able to shed a single tear… I even watched some movies like Gladiator and Brave Heart in hopes that I would tear up, to no avail…
So as I sat there, head in my hands, so confused, lost upset, frustrated, and in need of a good cry, I finally opened up to God… told Him what was wrong, told Him I was lost, oh so terribly lost… and I knew what I needed to be doing… I know that where I am, is not where I am supposed to be… in school, relationships, and myself.
Earlier today I had a meeting with Debbie White at the center for Calling and Career… and I suppose that was in a way, a wakeup call. We talked and I told her a lot of what was going on, at least as much as you tell a person in the space of a half an hour. We talked about change, and I told her that one of the biggest changes I was seeing in myself was that I was wanting more and more independence. To my shock she was not cautious, telling me to be careful how much independence I wanted, but instead told me that it was good for me! And that I need more independence or someday I will wake up and realize that my life is not my own. She also talked about my major change… asked me why I changed and how I felt about it… asked me about my summer… and asked me what I was feeling in regards to my calling… and I told her everything… I told her I changed my major because it was ‘the smart thing to do’ and I told her that I worked with the youth group this summer and LOVED it… I told her I didn’t necessarily love the Preaching/Teaching part but LOVED the personal relationships, and giving advice when I could, and listening when I needed to, and I have a real passion for Drama/Human Videos/Interpretative Movement (Whatever label you want to put on it) and as we talked I knew that she was thinking the same thing that I was… Education is not for me… with my ‘Strengths’ and what I said she mentioned something that I had been thinking about… Counseling…
So as you can see all day I have been seeing and listening and realizing more and more that it is my move.. my turn.. There is nothing else that anyone else can do, its all up to me. I realized that as I was praying,,, and then the most unexpected thing ever happened… someone that I hardly knew came over to me and started praying for me… and I knew every word came straight from Heaven… and I finally cried…
Now all that is left is for me to act on it… and I plan to soon… Thanks Jesus for having Patience with me…
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