Writtin...

Okay, So here I am sitting at my desk, my fingers are itching to write and I'm not sure what to say or where to even start...

I'm usually upset when I write or have had an epiphany of some sort. Not so much today... A few small things here or there getting on my nerves but thats about it. No major epiphanys but a few realizations about myself.

Ever notice how some people can totally miss the concept of certain things? Like for example, how are on a team and there is one person on the team who wants to do absolutly nothing, but see's absolutly nothing wrong with that? Everything is settled when they say something? If they sugest it or ask you to do something, it needs to be done.

But yeah... It's irritating. Just in case you didn't know. And it was starting to get on my nerves.

I still have no idea what I am going to do after this semester. I thought I knew for sure... Gosh I wish I could just pick a plan and stick with it... But I see the pro's and con's of every path... and every time I think I have made up my mind about one all I can see are the Con's of the decision I have just made.

What should I major in? Psyc? Youth Ministry? Neither? Both? Am I acctually going to go through with getting a Masters in Counseling? I HAVE NO IDEA.

I have no idea what I actually want to do with my life. I know what I want my life to look like... But I have no idea how the logistics all work out... I guess I technically don't need to till the end of next semester... But I would preffer to know now. It's just that I thought that I had hit the nail on the head. I thought I had it down. I thought I heard God and had it all planned out the way He wanted it planned. But now i have no idea if i was wrong. Or if i'm wrong my thinking that I'm wrong. it's the most frustrating thing to deal with. to just not know. when people ask me what my major is and i say that i'm undeclared it's not cause i just havent thought to go change it... it's cause i have no idea what i should change it to. i don't know what to do with it anymore. i don't want to know. i just want to graduate with something that i like and that i can continue with for the rest of my life.

i want to love my job. i don't want it to be juat a 'job' or 'career', i want to be fulfilling my call and my purpose and i want to love it. i think my biggest fear is being older and hating what i'm doing.

but it's okay. at least that's what i keep telling myself. because if i don't convince myself that it's okay and that God is going to tell me what to do and make everything right with me.... then i might go insane... i just don't want to feel like i'm turning my back on Him. and every time i even consider something that is not ministry focused i feel like i'm rejecting a call. and i don't know if that's cause i am or if it's just the way that society and the church wants me to fee. i have no idea. now i don't even know if i could handle being a counsellor because of all the stress that would come along with it. i just am totally lost and have no idea what i'm doing anymore.

okay... i'm out... g'night