*sigh*

First of all i would like to apologize to Phillip Hair. This is, yet again, going to be a sucky-hate people-life is stupid-i'm not happy-i'm depressed blog. I'm sorry. this is my outlet when i feel that way... sorry

Secondly, i would like to say that I am not happy, and i have no motivation to do anything (including but not limited to studying for exams, witting a paper, going to meetings... etc)

Thirdly, I just want to cry... but once again for some reason unknown to me i just plain can't get the tears to start flowing. last time this happened it took God smacking me upside the head at Convocation to actually get me to open up the floodgates.

Fourth, I have no idea what to do about any of it.

So yeah... I've gotten myself here again. Except I really can't figure out how it's my fault.. I really can't... usually I know what i did...not this time...
It's not my fault that i care. is it my fault that i care too much? is it my fault that i know exactly how much i can and cannot handle? did i overreact and can i handle more than i say i can and am i just being a 'cop out friend'?

I basically broke off all ties with someone who was at one point a best friend... told them i couldn't care about them anymore... that all i had been was hurt and that they never listened to me... yeah... so if you have issues i can't be your friend. i can only handle so much ya know. I can't handle stuff like that anymore. If i can't fix you in a timely fashion then apparently your too much trouble. i don't give up on people... i can't... and now my ties are severed.. i have snapped. finally quit on someone. knew i'd do it someday... but i didn't realize it would come so soon.

I don't know what to say or what to do. at times i feel justified... but then at moments like this i feel like i have fallen short....


AND THEN, if that wasn't enough... now i may have hurt another friendship... i called them out... i had been hearing that they were not doing good, that they were not with the right people, that they were being disrespectful, and that they just seemed to be falling short... so I called them out.. from a thousand miles away... and know what? they got upset... they accused me of doing things that they know i would never do. i don't know what to say or do. i feel lost in all this mess..


on top of all of this emotional stress there is the stress of school. I feel like i'm shutting down. i don't care anymore. i feel totally indiferent. i have an exam in the morning. i have a paper due later tomorow. havent started the paper, and i've barely studied. i just don't care. i have no motivation at all.

I'm to that point where all i want to do is find a quiet place and just sit there. i don't want to be expected to do anything. i want to just be. exist. that's all i want for a day. i am totally drained. and i don't know what is going to rejuvinate me.

i know what i need.. i need to be with God. But that means forgetting all that i'm suppose to be doing. because when i try to pray, and just have a quiet time, it works for a few minutes, but when i want to spend more time than ususal i can't concentrate.

*sigh*

I'm a mess again. great. Can I please just be done for the semester? please? I hate most of my classes anyway.

I'm sorry to be such a kill joy. soon as i get a good cry i'll be fine. for real. i'm a weird girl like that. so who's up for a sad movie marathon?