Empty?

I feel so empty. I know that i should not... I know i should be in the happiest most carefree spot in my life... but i'm not. i can think of a hundred reason what i should smile, why i should forget my worries, why i should not doubt... but all those reasons seem so hollow... so... distant. like a childish belief i once held before reality hit me. now i just feel empty.

i can push it off... and then feel like nothing is wrong... sometimes for weeks at a time. but then it hits. and the longer i've pused those thoughts from my mind, the harder they come back. it hurts my heart, makes my stomach feel sick, makes my eyes water, makes me feel lightheaded.... i feel so much at the same time that it's like i'm feeling nothing at all.

i don't know what to do anymore... I don't know what to say. I just don't know. I can hear my own advice and words of wisom ringing in my head, but that's all it is... just some irritating noise in my head that wont shut up. i want to believe, i want to have faith, i want to feel Gods presence, i want to feel whole and full, but... when i pray about it... the words just don't come... my mind goes blank and all i can do is stare at the floor and feel like i'm suffocating. it's like drownding. it's like i can't take a deep enough breath. and i can't think of anything to say... all i can say is 'i'm lost God... I'm so lost... Do you care?'

But i don't know what to do. I want to be held.

Last night in church I knew God was there... I knew He wanted to do something. I could feel it as soon as i walked into the building... It is so strange to know you are completely wrong with God, and then still be able to feel His presence. My heart was racing, and i couldn't tell why. the sermon that was shared was not particularly earth shattering, but the speaker showed two movie clips that relaly hit home, and then every single song that was played felt like a direct poke at my heart. every word to the songs peirced through me. At one point when i sang these songs i sang them genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, and with a true passion. so all I could do was cry, and it was a good cry too.

So now I'm not sure where I am... But I think I'm better off than I was before. At least I feel better. I'm trying... I really am.

s