"Sunshine on my shoulders..."

So I re-realized something about myself.
The sun effects my mood directly.
It think it does all of us.
On a day like today, with the sun shining down on me, the grass turning a beautiful shade of green, the dogwoods blossoming, I can't help but be happy and optimistic.
My outlook on life itself has improved dramatically just by walking outside in the sun.
I can't wait for tomorrow.
I think I may have a picnic with Will at Schimmels... (shhhh. Don't tell.)
That sounds absolutely divine.

God is also a pretty cool guy.
The other night I just couldn't sleep (Gee... wonder why?) and as I was laying there in bed, my mind racing and trying to pray, I thought of something.
I realized that I was praying for all these things and I was in a real battle.
But in all of that I realized that I was not ready for battle.
I was not wearing the full armor of God.
I may have on the Helmet of Salvation, but what about the rest of it?
The Belt of Truth?
The Breastplate of Righteousness?
Feet fitted with the Gospel of Peace?
Shield of Faith?
Sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God?
If I am going to to battle with nothing but a helmet on how do I expect to survive? Much less Thrive?
Well I thought about all that and then went to sleep.
The next day in class (Yesterday) the devotion one of the students led us in was about the Armor of God.
Dang.
Maybe God wants to grab my attention.

Well... Back to studying for that exam...

Last Straw

I have reached that point.
I have reached the point where anything sends me over the edge.
I have gotten to the place where those things that don't really matter, and really don't bother me, make me take a thirty minute shower so I can cry without getting caught.
I am falling over the edge.
I can't keep my concentration on anything for very long.
I dread summer more and more with every passing moment.
One splinter seems to shatter the whole image.
I feel like everything is slipping out of my hands and is spiraling out of control and I just stand by, helpless.
Unable to control it.
Unable to stop the downward spiral.
I just stand by, helpless.
I can't continue this.
I want to just curl up with Will and let him hold me, tell me everything will be okay.
But I can't even have that.
If this is how I feel, how does he feel?
I try to distract myself with that, so that I stop worrying about myself, but even that only works for a short period of time.
I said I could do a long distance relationship.
But I can't do this.
I said I could spend summers apart.
But every week?
All I want is something to look forward to and not have it get screwed up.
Please?

Conundrum.

Okay, So I should be studying for an exam right now, but obviously I am not. I can't turn off my mind. I am so tired. I have a headache and I'm fairly certain it's because my mind has been racing for so long.

Life is so funny. Drama has been systematically wiped out of my life. Most of it I have gotten rid of myself, and some has just disappeared on it's own. But this semester I finally reached a point where there were no more outside sources of drama in my life. I was really quite proud of myself.

Perhaps that was my problem. Letting myself think that drama was a thing of the past. I let myself get caught off guard.

Well the irony in this situation is that the drama is from home. The drama is coming from the people that told me not to let things going on at home effect what was happening to me at school. The irony is that the drama is coming from the people that should be showing me the most support. The irony is that I'm going home to drama as opposed to leaving it at school.

"Grow Up"
I need to grow up. The only problem I see is that I thought I was. I thought that "growing up" meant that I learned to take care of myself. I thought growing up meant learning how to make all the 'right' decisions and learning from the 'wrong' ones. I thought that it was having a legitimate plan for my life. I though growing up was learning how to confront problems that you saw and learning how to deal with them. I thought growing up was being able to handle situations maturely and in person. But apparently I was wrong.
Growing up is leaving someone who makes a mistake in the dust. Growing up is never mentioning someone who makes you feel like the only person in the world that matters. Growing up is not learning from your mistakes, but making others pay for theirs. Growing up is talking to people through texts and phone calls and not in person.At least that's what some people are trying to tell me.
If that's really growing up, then I'm fine being an immature foolish child.

"You're not praying"
You care now? Where were you when I couldn't even go to Church on Sundays? Where were you when I was doubting God's existence? Where were you when I really wasn't praying? Did you ever ask me how my relationship with God was then? Or do you only 'care' now because you think you can make me have doubts and change my mind?

I am so tired. I can't fight this anymore. I don't want to. I don't want to fight. I hate this feeling of a coming conflict. I hate dreading a call. I hate dreading going home to a fight.

*sigh*

Why can't I just escape this?