Drained...

I am so emotionally and physically drained... I just wanna sit in a ball in my closet and ball my eyes out. I feel so alone... Even though I know i have people who care about me. I feel like i'm a million miles away from anything that matters. I feel like a total looser. I have graduated college... now what? Back to school. Still in debt. Still a slacker. I feel like a total idiot. like I have learned shit for the last 4 years. Just breezed though and made A's and B's by the grace of God.

Then there is the whole 'living in the madhouse till Summer is over'. Can summer please get over fast? I can't handle this. Please God... Just tell me she is going through menopause or something. And that all this shit is gonna pass. I don't think anyone else is going to come out of this house even remotely sane if they have to put up with this. I am counting down till I get out.

b*tch slapped by... life?

Wow... So this has been a week straight from hell but also directly from God. I can't even begin to describe the emotions that I have been riding on for the last week. Have you ever been in church and had an epiphany that you were blind and drowning? And that it was all your own fault? That all the problems you pushed on someone else, all the problems you hid in your closet, all the walls that were between you and God, that it was all your own fault? I have. Wednesday.

I am controlling. God told me to give up control. He said I would be miserable until I did. That I can't possibly control the situation I am in anyway. And finally... I acknowledged that fact. I realized that I wasn't the person I wanted to be. I was bitter. I was great at holding a grudge. I was mean. And I didn't even realize it. I resented it when someone told me that before.

I realized that all this time I was giving and giving and giving and all I was really doing was bitterly holding a grudge. It is such a gradual change. so small. But when I really look at myself, I have allowed myself to fall so short of who I should be.

So Thursday I did the one thing I have refused to do. The one thing I promised myself I would never do. The one thing I thought I could never handle on my own. But I wasn't alone. I finally realized I wasn't in this fight, this life, alone. God was there with me. He was there all night. He has finally given me the peace and hope and joy that I have been begging Him for.

I am still worried. I still have times when I feel like the scum of the earth. I worry about the explanations to be given. And more than anything, I still worry about things that are not mine to worry about. But, I am no longer scared. I am no longer conflicted. I Know that I have done the right thing. I know that if I keep God first in my life, and if I fall in love with Him, then I will become the person that I want to be. I know that if He is first, then everything else in my life will fall into it's proper place.

It's the first time I have felt like this in a long time.

Crematory? WTF?

So once again I am frustrated to a point of disbelief. But this time it has nothing to do with my parents or relationships. Instead it's my idiot cousin and my grandfather.

Ever had a family member that is the 'golden child'? Yeah. He is it and always has been. Even before his dad, my uncle, died of cancer. HE has always been spoiled rotten and my grandparents and his mother have always bent over backwards to give him everything he wants. This has resulted in the biggest and most obnoxious, opinionated, spoiled brat I know.

Well guess what his new plan is? Building a crematory in the middle of my grandfathers property. It will also be in the middle of my fathers and aunts inheritance. Therefore smack down the road from what I'll be getting someday.

My parents already cant sell a piece of property they are trying to get rid of. You think anyone will buy it now knowing that a crematory is going in just up the road? Hell no. I know I wouldn't.

Dad asked Gramp not to do this. To wait at least a few years (you know, to make sure my 18 year old cousin who wants to join the military then open a gun shop in Montana, actually wants to run the funeral business in Maine for a lifelong career). But for the reason of my cousin being the golden child. Of course what he wants on a whim is given him. I am so pissed that I can't even think straight. I want to rip his effing head off.