b*tch slapped by... life?

Wow... So this has been a week straight from hell but also directly from God. I can't even begin to describe the emotions that I have been riding on for the last week. Have you ever been in church and had an epiphany that you were blind and drowning? And that it was all your own fault? That all the problems you pushed on someone else, all the problems you hid in your closet, all the walls that were between you and God, that it was all your own fault? I have. Wednesday.

I am controlling. God told me to give up control. He said I would be miserable until I did. That I can't possibly control the situation I am in anyway. And finally... I acknowledged that fact. I realized that I wasn't the person I wanted to be. I was bitter. I was great at holding a grudge. I was mean. And I didn't even realize it. I resented it when someone told me that before.

I realized that all this time I was giving and giving and giving and all I was really doing was bitterly holding a grudge. It is such a gradual change. so small. But when I really look at myself, I have allowed myself to fall so short of who I should be.

So Thursday I did the one thing I have refused to do. The one thing I promised myself I would never do. The one thing I thought I could never handle on my own. But I wasn't alone. I finally realized I wasn't in this fight, this life, alone. God was there with me. He was there all night. He has finally given me the peace and hope and joy that I have been begging Him for.

I am still worried. I still have times when I feel like the scum of the earth. I worry about the explanations to be given. And more than anything, I still worry about things that are not mine to worry about. But, I am no longer scared. I am no longer conflicted. I Know that I have done the right thing. I know that if I keep God first in my life, and if I fall in love with Him, then I will become the person that I want to be. I know that if He is first, then everything else in my life will fall into it's proper place.

It's the first time I have felt like this in a long time.