Nit Pick

I hate being nit-picked. Hate it. It is so dumb. People think that theu can say whatever they want and that i wont get upset at all. They think i should be able to handle it because they believe it is 'the truth'. so if i even begin to get upset, OBVIOUSLY i have no right. OH MY GOSH. DUMB. Im tired of the assumption that you know me so well, especially if you cant see that you do hurt, that the repetative comments do chafe. Pay attention to me if you want to pretend to know me.

Overwhelmed

So Im completely and totally overwhelmed.

I have so many pojects to do for my classes.

I have so many frindships that are getting complicated.

I dont know what I should be doing anymore.

I have no idea what to do with myself anymore.

I am just tired... Phisically and emotionally

And wost of all, I dont want to talk about it.

Yeah I know, sounds like a bald faced lie considering I'm blogging it all right now.

But blogging and writting are so much easier than talking about it. I just dont want to have a face to face conversation with anyone about my problems right now. I dont know why... I just cant...

When asked if Im okay my response is always 'yeah Im fine'.

YEAH RIGHT.

If fine really does stand for Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. yeah, Im perfectly FINE by that definition.

I dont know whats going on with me.

There is just... so much...

I am still as indecisive as ever and can hardly decide what to wear in the morning much less what to do with my life.

And then if it were not enought already... finances are so tight that My family will most likely not be able to come down for spring break... so i have no idea what im going to do... i mean sure i'll do something... but i wanted my family down here so bad... to see me here and meet my friends... oh well... ill deal with that when the time comes...

I dunno... i guess i just wanted to get something out of my system... but it didnt work.

feel just as poopy as before, oh well.

I'll figure it out.

...

i dont know what to do anymore...
i just want to cry...
i dont have answers anymore...
i am terrified to move...
i dont know what i need...
all i know is what i want...
i want to run away....
to never never land...
*Sigh*

*sigh*

Please dont spaz when you read this its just a blog written in my frustration...

So it seems like everything is all falling apart. I don’t know what is going on. Between friends here and friends/family at home I just want to know who is doing ok. There is so much hurt and drama and I just do not know what to say anymore… I can relate with every situation because I have either been there myself or am there now… I just do not know anymore… it seems like there are more things to worry about than to be thankful for… I know that that not true so don’t bother scolding me but that is exactly how I feel right now… I just need something… but the things that I want and the things that I need are so different…
*sigh*
Honestly I just want to stop and do what I want to do and give up on everyone else. It would be so easy… so incredibly easy… at least when compared to what I’m dealing with now… the simplicity of what I think I could do is so appealing and the voice of my conscious is becoming more silent with every day… I guess my biggest deal here is a desire to be able to make my own decision without being judged… or being told what to do.
I hate being told what to do with my life. I am done listening. I can’t stand it anymore. I just want you to love me for me. Some of you do. And some of you don’t. I just want to be me, who I want to be, not who you want me to be.
When I go home… I go back to being Daddy’s little girl… Mommy’s baby… and sometimes I love that… I love my Mom and Dad…. And they love me.. they want to protect me from everything… forever… but what they don’t see is that they can’t. they don’t realize that for 9 months out of the year I get to be my own person and make my own decisions… and I love it… ever seen ‘Dirty Dancing’? if you have you will understand exactly where this is coming from: “Nobody puts Baby in a corner”
I just don’t know… maybe this is just a mood I am in for a week… maybe it will all pass and I’ll be fine when I wake up and wonder why I ever wrote this and see that I am perfectly content with life and who I am and everything… and if so I’ll let you know..
Oh well…. I guess I just needed to vent…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GuX-F08fwI

Compass..

So I just watched a movie today, “Pirates of the Caribbean 1 &3” and as I was watching there was something that caught my attention and hit me… If you have seen all three you will know about Jacks Compass. It is quite a concept when you think about it. His compass points to what he wants the most. There is a lot going on in the second and third movies but part of it deals with Jack and his compass. He is so conflicted that he has no idea what he wants. There is so much that he wants that he can’t decide what the thing he wants the most is.
How often do we feel that way? How often do I feel that way? Half of the time I want so much that I don’t know what I want the most… I have so many desires and dreams that sit on such a large scale, but I have so many everyday whims and wishes that distract me from the bigger picture… I get distracted so easily. So many times my compass is not sure and steady but instead spinning in circles… and when it finally starts pointing straight I am walking in the wrong direction…
I think of it as trying to get my independence. I can’t stand people telling me what to do… and so I end up doing the opposite of what they are telling me, sometimes this works out good and other times it does not. I don’t know why I am the way that I am… I trust no one but myself… but I have gotten myself into so much trouble… most of my problems come from my lack of trust… the only problem is that I never know who to trust. Everyone seems to want my trust but only a few of the people I end up trusting deserve it… I don’t understand why I do, but I do…
So I guess the jist of it is that I really am a confusing/complicated/unexplainable person… even I don’t understand me… and believe me, it frustrates me as much as it does you…

Perfect Timing....

10/6/08
So… God is amazing… that’s just in case any of you did not already know… Somehow He knows what you need and when you really do need it…. Don’t ask me how, He just does… I was at my breaking point… having been for awhile… and tonight… God did something amazing… He spoke to me. The service He led spoke to me. And then He had someone else speak to me. So I suppose that kind of means third time’s the charm… at least for me.
Tonight I expected chapel to be really good, mostly because I knew that Campus Choir was going to be singing and I love them to death… but not because I thought anything in the message would pertain to my life or what is going on in my life. I was completely wrong… Loran Livingston was the speaker and he talked about some things he has learned about God over the years…


1) God will NEVER allow me to be comfortable.
a. When you are comfortable you are not growing
i. Stress, hard times, heart break, headache- all give room for growth
2) HE IS my comfort, hope, and peace
a. He doesn’t give it He IS it
3) God Uses my weaknesses NOT my strengths
a. God does not see you the way that you see you
i. He sees the result while you only see the process
ii. Everyone God uses thought they were unusable
iii. WHEN HE PUTS HIS HAND ON YOU IT DOESN’T COME OFF
iv. WHEN YOU REALIZE WHERE YOU ARE (YOU HAVE NOTHING BUT GOD) YOU ARE ABOUT TO LEARN SOMETHING AMAZING. (IN YOUR WEAKNESS HE IS MADE STRONG)
v. GOD NEVER GIVES UP ON YOU
vi. YOUR ROAD IS SPECIALLY DESIGNED
1. IT IS NOT AN ACCIDENT THAT YOU ARE HERE
vii. IF GOD STARTED IT HE WILL COMPLETE IT
4) He will not do what you are dreaming He will do
a. Because what He has for you is better than what you can even imagine


And that right there was the sermon… It was preached for me and I didn’t even realize it. So when the sermon ended he had an altar call for… well I cant remember what for… but I was torn, I wanted to go but figured it would not do any good… so I just stood and worshipped until they started playing the song “Amazed” by Lincoln Brewster… and then I just sat down, put my head in my hands and prayed…
I have been wanting to cry… just cry my eyes out for a good 2 weeks now… and I haven’t been able to shed a single tear… I even watched some movies like Gladiator and Brave Heart in hopes that I would tear up, to no avail…
So as I sat there, head in my hands, so confused, lost upset, frustrated, and in need of a good cry, I finally opened up to God… told Him what was wrong, told Him I was lost, oh so terribly lost… and I knew what I needed to be doing… I know that where I am, is not where I am supposed to be… in school, relationships, and myself.
Earlier today I had a meeting with Debbie White at the center for Calling and Career… and I suppose that was in a way, a wakeup call. We talked and I told her a lot of what was going on, at least as much as you tell a person in the space of a half an hour. We talked about change, and I told her that one of the biggest changes I was seeing in myself was that I was wanting more and more independence. To my shock she was not cautious, telling me to be careful how much independence I wanted, but instead told me that it was good for me! And that I need more independence or someday I will wake up and realize that my life is not my own. She also talked about my major change… asked me why I changed and how I felt about it… asked me about my summer… and asked me what I was feeling in regards to my calling… and I told her everything… I told her I changed my major because it was ‘the smart thing to do’ and I told her that I worked with the youth group this summer and LOVED it… I told her I didn’t necessarily love the Preaching/Teaching part but LOVED the personal relationships, and giving advice when I could, and listening when I needed to, and I have a real passion for Drama/Human Videos/Interpretative Movement (Whatever label you want to put on it) and as we talked I knew that she was thinking the same thing that I was… Education is not for me… with my ‘Strengths’ and what I said she mentioned something that I had been thinking about… Counseling…
So as you can see all day I have been seeing and listening and realizing more and more that it is my move.. my turn.. There is nothing else that anyone else can do, its all up to me. I realized that as I was praying,,, and then the most unexpected thing ever happened… someone that I hardly knew came over to me and started praying for me… and I knew every word came straight from Heaven… and I finally cried…
Now all that is left is for me to act on it… and I plan to soon… Thanks Jesus for having Patience with me…

My Building...

My building…
So since they started building the new School of Religion building I have referred to it as ‘My Building’ I have always thought of it as mine and no one else’s. kinda like the seagulls on Finding Nemo.. I thought that this building would be where most of my life was consumed, I was wrong. Now those silly statements that I would make kinda sting now when I still say them or someone mentions it. I have realized how powerful the art of suggestion really is in this last year. With enough prompting/teasing/mentioning of a certain subject you can feel either very positively or negatively about that subject. The power of suggestion is astounding.
Because of this I have learned to feel a certain way about many different things and topics. Sometimes this is good and sometimes this is bad. The way you feel about things should not be confined to how others feel about things. We have a free will but it seems to be more rarely used. Often times when we are asked why we feel a certain way about a certain topic we cannot verbalize a reason at all. We feel the way that we do about many things because that how our friends/parents/siblings/co-workers feel about that subject. Free will has seemed to almost disappear. Even in places where opinions are different as different can be and conflict arises, there are very rarely people who can stand up and give a reason as to why they think and believe what they do. And if someone does rise to the occasion they most generally believe what they do solely because of the power of suggestion that someone else had over them.
But what happens when these suggestions conflict each other? What does the individual do? Do they listen to the louder and more numerous voices or the quieter and smaller group of voices? What if the voices are the same volume? What if it is just one voice against all others? Does the individual go with the crowd or against it? Unfortunately most commonly the individual realizes the consequences of listening to the small voices and uses ‘common sense’ and listens and is pulled into the crowd of loud voices.
I suppose all of this was said so that I could say this:
Am I at peace with myself whether or not this is my building? Am I at peace with being an Education Major? Am I at peace with the decisions I am making right now in my everyday life? Or have I had so much suggestion poured into my life that I am falsely at unrest with my decisions? Have I decided to be at unrest or is it the many voices that conflict that have put me where I am today? Well I suppose that is enough rambling for now…
All from the beautiful library in ‘my’ building…

Stress in my life...

So anyone who has been paying any attention to me this last week has probably noticed that I am a bit less ‘me’ than usual. There has been so much going on in my life this year that I cannot even begin to spill it all. I may not be able to finish writing what I want to anyway. I’ll try to hit every point one at a time...
School: school is beginning to overwhelm me. There seems to be no time. I am trying to be organized with my time… but when it seems like there is no time to organize then what can a girl do? I also changed my major this semester to education instead of youth ministry… I don’t feel the same in my education class as I did in my mission classes… I don’t know what I am even doing anymore… I feel like something is wrong with what I am doing... If I don’t have that same passion that I did before than why have I changed? More issues are voiced in this area when I start talking about God…
Friends: who is helping me and who is hindering me? What am I doing with the friends I am with? What kind of friends do I surround myself with? If people around me are a source of stress then why do I associate myself with them? I have had to deal with a suicidal friend and now an acquaintance (Caleb Baber) has had a life threatening and completely life changing accident….
Voices: All I can hear are the voices around me. I don’t know what my voice even sounds like anymore. I can’t decide what I feel or what I think anymore. Other people have dictated my life for so long that I can’t seem to find my own path that I want to travel down. What voice is mine? And how long do I have before I can’t hear my voice at all?
God: What am I not listening to? I feel like I know what I should be doing but I am turning my back on Him to do what I think makes others so much more happy. I don’t know what to do anymore. I ask Him what he wants of me and all I can hear is Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” This is a comfort to me but at the same time it is more frustrating than you can imagine… I know that God has plans for me… and I believe that He has shown me what much of it entails… but I want to know the specifics… I am so scared to take a step of faith and be let down…
Faith/Doubt: I have so much trouble putting trust in anyone or anything that could possibly let me down… I know that this is why I am so worried about taking even one step in faith… because if I do it just gives me a chance to be let down and hurt and it could pretty much lead to disaster at this point in my life… I don’t want to be wrong and do something if it is not what God wants…. Even when I am 99.9999999999% positive it is what God wants me to do… all summer I have been hearing that still small voice talked about in Isaiah… but I have acted on what the loud voices are saying instead… I have listened to the voices I can audibly hear instead of the voice I feel in my heart…
Me: The seat of all my frustrations ultimately lays in myself… I feel like I am a hypocrite… I say that I trust in God and that I am in His will and listening to His voice. Others tell me that I am a woman of God and a good example to others… when in the ultimate reality of everything I am blatantly ignoring His voice that everyone believes I am listening to… it pretty much disgusts me how easy it is for me to fool those around me into thinking that I am perfectly fine… I just feel like I want to throw in the towel and that it would just be so much easier… it seems like one of the only things that keeps me going is the fact that if I actually quit so many people would be unhappy with me… well I guess that enough for now… ill add some more later…
Peace out…