I know it's your major and all...

Why are people so skeptical? Why are people so quick to judge what they do not understand? Why do people feel that if they have lived for any amount of years or had life experience of consider themselves wise or intelligent then they know all that matters. Sometimes I just want to shake people and scream in their face and say “YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT SO SHUT THE HELL UP!!” This is my life. This is my major. This is what I’m learning. This is what I am going to do for a living. I think I know more than you do on the Subject matter.

I am a Psychology Major. There are such things as Mental Disorders. Things exist that impair your functioning. Things exist that people can not control. Some people can not just “get over it” or “act normal” or “get real” or “be happy” or “concentrate” or “sit still”. Telling some people to do these things is like telling a person with cancer “Just get better.” See the stupidity?

I do not know everything. But I know enough to know that some people just do not want to admit that not everyone is in full control. I don’t know why. Maybe it challenges their world view. Maybe it challenges their faith. Maybe it just scares them. But to say that things do not exist is just ignorant. Why? Because people who actually have these disorders do not use them as a cop-out. Sometimes they even know that they have something wrong with them, but they don’t have the ability to change. Some people can’t just stop or get better.

I guess this is a battle I’ll always have. I still don’t know how to handle it. Right now I have decided that these people won’t change their mind just because a College undergrad student tells them it’s real. So I just keep quiet and let them hold their own opinions. It’s not worth the argument. Maybe someday I’ll find a way to change their minds.

But for now, Whatever. Be ignorant. Insult me. Insult my profession of choice. Insult the people that deal with these problems that they can’t control. I just hope you don’t find someone close to you who has one of the problems you label so “fake”.

Aggitation

I have an antsy feeling in my whole body. I just want to do something. I wan to make a change. Do something unexpected. I wanna cut my hair short. I wanna get a tattoo. I wanna change my makeup. I wanna change my style. I wanna do something outrageous. I wanna go somewhere, but I have nowhere to go. I want to cook, but I don’t want to eat.

I am happy where I am in life, but I’m ready for something new and exciting. I really do think I want a tattoo... Maybe for graduation... That would be fun. Oh well. I guess I will just have to be satisfied with where I am right now, and just wait for the next chapter to get here.

Control...

So I haven’t written a thing in a while. I guess I’ve just been so busy that I barely have time to think straight, much less try to put it all down and sort through it. So much is going on that I can’t control. And the pieces that I can control, others want to take charge of. How can people tell me I’m wrong? How can people tell me that I’m falling away from God? How can people that thought they knew me so well, actually know so little about me.

Today it all just hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m so small. I can’t handle all of this on my own. I don’t know how not to love. I don’t know how to not be who I am. I don’t know how to not find joy in the things that I do.

I don’t know how because it’s not possible. I don’t know how because I’m not suppose to.

I’m not going to change who I am or where I’m headed based on what other people want, or what other people think is best. Why is that? Because as much as they say that they will also have to live with the decisions I make, They don’t. They make face some consequences. But I am the person who has to live with every decision I make. I am the one who has to wake up every morning and live with my choices.

I may not be perfect. And I may not know everything. I may not be the person that others expect me to be. But I am okay with that. When I look in the mirror now, I am satisfied with who I am. I know that I am doing the right thing. I know that everything will be okay.

Selfish?

Why do you think that I am selfish? Because I want what is best for me? Okay. Call me selfish. Sometimes I wish you could hear yourself talk. I wish you could hear the contradictions that fall off your tongue. You are the selfish one. You want to impose your rules and your life on me. You are so selfish. You don’t want to loose me. The only way you are going to loose me is if you push me away, the ball is in your court. I’ve made my decision. You need to make yours. Stop being selfish and let me have a life, the life that I want. I know that you care and want what’s best. But you do not know what’s best for me, you know what is best for you. You said that to me today. It’s no longer about me, I don’t think it ever was, it’s about you. So you know what? I’m done.

Growing up...

You want me to make a choice? Gladly. Screw you. I'm done with accomodating. I'm done with being silent. You want me to speak? I'll speak. But I'm done hiding what I think. I'll speak what I'm really thinking. Maybe you will actually get to know me. ME. The real me. Not the person you think I am. Not the little girl who does everything you say with the snap of your finger. But the Young woman who has a life of her own. The young woman who can make her own decisions. The young woman you have made me into. Maybe you will get to know her.

This is my fault. I accept full responsibility. It is my fault you don't know me. It's my fault you think I'm somone else. I should have showed you. I should have stood up to you when I wanted to. I should have had a backbone. I should have been independent.

I can walk on my own two feet. I can fall, get hurt, and pick myself back up again. I can take responsibility from myself. I know how to take care of myself. I know what hurts me, and I know what doesn't. I know what's dangerous and I know what's safe. I know the Truth, and I know the Lies. I know what I can do, and I know what I can't. You've taught me these things. So let me spread my wings and fly. Choose to open the door to my cage... Or when I get out, I'll never come back.

What?

How is it possible for someone else to know what you want? To know the desires of your heart? To know what it is you want out of life. How do they know where you will find fulfilment?

You tell them.

If you have not told somone these desires, these wants, then how will they know? They simply can't. They can try. They can tell you what they want, what they desire, and where they find fulfilment. But that is not the same. They can paint a pretty picture, but if it's not yours, then you won't appreciate it, you won't want it, and if you did... it would be wrong.

I don't want someone elses plan for my life. Nomatter how cookie cutter, how sweet, how seemingly perfect. I want my own life. If I make a mistake, I can live with it. I know what I want out of life. I know my plan, or at least part of it. I don't know everything. But I know what God has given me. I know the talents He has given me. I know the heart he has given me. I know the people he has placed in my life. I know where he has placed me.

I don't know where I'm going or what I will end up doing... But I don't have to know that yet. And neither does anyone else. :)

Haceed

Haceed
“An overwhelming desire to give of yourself, to the other person, for their benefit, regardless of the cost to you”
Overwhelming and brings you to your knees. it’s all you want is to give of yourself to the other person. Pure love. Unselfish. Hard work. But it is the goal.
Priority of Haceed is not on the self but on the other person
Look for ways and opportunities to meet needs and desires
The Greek word is AGAPE

Frustrations....

So It's been forever since I've posted anything on here. I doubt anyone even reads anymore, but that's okay. I write from me not you. GAH why is life frustrating. I feel like.. Idk. My parents are trying to tell me what to do, how to live, who to be with. I can't let them make all these decisions for me. I kow that i don't have as much wisdom as they do and that they have been playing this game of life far longer than I have, But that doesn't mean they have all the answers. I have to make some of these decisions on my own. they aren't always going to b right here telling me what to do and if they are that would be a serious problem. I'm an adult now. I'm a senior in college and I have a plan for my life. And the plan that I have for my life, doesn't exactly line up with the plan that they have. Here is the problem. *sigh*

If I make a mistake, If I choose the wrong path, I can live with that. I can take responsibility for my actions. What I canot do, and what i refuse to do, is take responsibility for the choices and decisions that they want to make for me.

I know that they want what is best for me. What good parent doesn't want that for their children? But their concept and idea of what is best for me and what is going to make me happy, Isn't mine.

How can I show them that? Do I just keep doing what I'm doing and wait for them to accept my decisions? I am trying to compromise and make some adjustments, But I refuse to let them dictate my life from 1500 miles away.

*sigh*

Oh well, this is all for now.

Wanna be...

What do I want to be?
What effect do I want to have?
What purpose do I want my life to serve?

I don't know much.
I don't know exactly who I want to be or exactly what I want to do.
But I do have a rough idea.

I want to be someone that is remembered long after I am gone.
I want to be someone that people who don't know me, miss me.
I want to be the person who others can look up to.

Last night I was talking with Will.
We got onto the subject of one of his very good friends who had passed away in a car accident 4 years earlier.
We've talked about him before and I've heard tons of stories.
And then I realized something last night.

I want to be like Kevin Hunter.

I don't know him.
I never got to meet him.
I've never heard his voice.
I've never heard him laugh, sing, or cry.
But I miss him.

I miss him in a way that feels like when you go to the kitchen to grab the last cookie to only discover that someone just grabbed it a minute before you.
I hear stories about him and wish I could have been there when they happened.

I want to be missed by people that don't know me.

"Sunshine on my shoulders..."

So I re-realized something about myself.
The sun effects my mood directly.
It think it does all of us.
On a day like today, with the sun shining down on me, the grass turning a beautiful shade of green, the dogwoods blossoming, I can't help but be happy and optimistic.
My outlook on life itself has improved dramatically just by walking outside in the sun.
I can't wait for tomorrow.
I think I may have a picnic with Will at Schimmels... (shhhh. Don't tell.)
That sounds absolutely divine.

God is also a pretty cool guy.
The other night I just couldn't sleep (Gee... wonder why?) and as I was laying there in bed, my mind racing and trying to pray, I thought of something.
I realized that I was praying for all these things and I was in a real battle.
But in all of that I realized that I was not ready for battle.
I was not wearing the full armor of God.
I may have on the Helmet of Salvation, but what about the rest of it?
The Belt of Truth?
The Breastplate of Righteousness?
Feet fitted with the Gospel of Peace?
Shield of Faith?
Sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God?
If I am going to to battle with nothing but a helmet on how do I expect to survive? Much less Thrive?
Well I thought about all that and then went to sleep.
The next day in class (Yesterday) the devotion one of the students led us in was about the Armor of God.
Dang.
Maybe God wants to grab my attention.

Well... Back to studying for that exam...

Last Straw

I have reached that point.
I have reached the point where anything sends me over the edge.
I have gotten to the place where those things that don't really matter, and really don't bother me, make me take a thirty minute shower so I can cry without getting caught.
I am falling over the edge.
I can't keep my concentration on anything for very long.
I dread summer more and more with every passing moment.
One splinter seems to shatter the whole image.
I feel like everything is slipping out of my hands and is spiraling out of control and I just stand by, helpless.
Unable to control it.
Unable to stop the downward spiral.
I just stand by, helpless.
I can't continue this.
I want to just curl up with Will and let him hold me, tell me everything will be okay.
But I can't even have that.
If this is how I feel, how does he feel?
I try to distract myself with that, so that I stop worrying about myself, but even that only works for a short period of time.
I said I could do a long distance relationship.
But I can't do this.
I said I could spend summers apart.
But every week?
All I want is something to look forward to and not have it get screwed up.
Please?

Conundrum.

Okay, So I should be studying for an exam right now, but obviously I am not. I can't turn off my mind. I am so tired. I have a headache and I'm fairly certain it's because my mind has been racing for so long.

Life is so funny. Drama has been systematically wiped out of my life. Most of it I have gotten rid of myself, and some has just disappeared on it's own. But this semester I finally reached a point where there were no more outside sources of drama in my life. I was really quite proud of myself.

Perhaps that was my problem. Letting myself think that drama was a thing of the past. I let myself get caught off guard.

Well the irony in this situation is that the drama is from home. The drama is coming from the people that told me not to let things going on at home effect what was happening to me at school. The irony is that the drama is coming from the people that should be showing me the most support. The irony is that I'm going home to drama as opposed to leaving it at school.

"Grow Up"
I need to grow up. The only problem I see is that I thought I was. I thought that "growing up" meant that I learned to take care of myself. I thought growing up meant learning how to make all the 'right' decisions and learning from the 'wrong' ones. I thought that it was having a legitimate plan for my life. I though growing up was learning how to confront problems that you saw and learning how to deal with them. I thought growing up was being able to handle situations maturely and in person. But apparently I was wrong.
Growing up is leaving someone who makes a mistake in the dust. Growing up is never mentioning someone who makes you feel like the only person in the world that matters. Growing up is not learning from your mistakes, but making others pay for theirs. Growing up is talking to people through texts and phone calls and not in person.At least that's what some people are trying to tell me.
If that's really growing up, then I'm fine being an immature foolish child.

"You're not praying"
You care now? Where were you when I couldn't even go to Church on Sundays? Where were you when I was doubting God's existence? Where were you when I really wasn't praying? Did you ever ask me how my relationship with God was then? Or do you only 'care' now because you think you can make me have doubts and change my mind?

I am so tired. I can't fight this anymore. I don't want to. I don't want to fight. I hate this feeling of a coming conflict. I hate dreading a call. I hate dreading going home to a fight.

*sigh*

Why can't I just escape this?

Books...

Okay, so this is stemming from the song list... Here are some of my favorite books and why they make the list of favorite and what makes them special and how the term "you can't judge a book by it's cover" is wrong ;) And once again there is no Numerical significance of 'best to worst'.

1) The Visitation - Frank Peretti
*"Many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am he,' and will deceive many." Mark 13:6. That is this book. AMAZING*

2) Hangman's Curse & Nightmare Academy - Frank Peretti
*First Peretti books that I read, and re-read, and re-read again....*

3) The Mandie Books - Lois Gladys Leppard
*The first books that I really got into. I would just sit and read them for hours on end. These were the first books that I remember staying up late to finish because I couldn't wait till the nest morning*

4) Monster - Frank Peretti
*Amazing book that just tests your feelings on evolution and how God and creation work. I mean... What are your feelings on BigFoot?? *

5) The Circle Trilogy & Green - Ted Dekker
*I think that these may be the best books I have ever read... Ted Dekker takes imagery and symbolism to an entirely new level. I honestly think that he gives C.S.Lewis a run for his money. These books made me cry like a baby, laugh like a lunatic, and just gave me peace and hope. *

6) One Shenandoah Winter - T. Davis Bunn
*This was one of the last books that my Gamma Cushman gave to me. I read it every Christmas season but the story never gets old. Chokes my up every single time*

7) The Oath - Frank Peretti
*I love the way Peretti relates to sin in our lives. The way that he writes is so creative and unique. The way he portrays how sin in our lives can completely destroy not only ourselves, but those around us as well in genius.

8) Piercing the Darkness & This Present Darkness - Frank Peretti
*First books that I read that seriously dealt with Spiritual Warfare. They really are amazing. I don't know if this is really what's going on and we just can't see it, but it really did put a whole new perspective on things for me and how no matter what, I am not alone.*

9) The Patric Bowers Thriller (The Pawn, The Rook, The Knight)- Steven James
*I really like this guy. He does not shove Christianity down your throat, if anything he avoids that. The main character was married to a woman of faith until she passed away from cancer, so now faith to him is crazy. He is left with his step daughter so this is a story of their relationship and how they cope with life. Faith stumbles in every once in a while, but it ever plays a huge role... at least not yet...*

10) The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkien
*I really enjoyed this book, even more that the LOTR Trilogy. It's a great story of where life can take you and where you can end up when you had no intention of ever leaving your safe little bubble of a world.*

11) The Guardian - Nicolas Sparks
*I loved this book... Of course it's got a bitter sweet ending but that is just how he writes, But I love a good love story. And yes. I cried.*

12) The Shack - William P. Young
*Okay. Super controversial book in the Christian community. You have your opinion and I have mine. I loved it. This book made me cry/laugh it was great. I love it not because of it's Theological soundness/unsoundness, but because of the hope/perspective that it presents. There are things written in it that I have thought myself, things that I (maybe foolishly) hope for myself. *

13) Twilight Books - Stephanie Myers
*Okay... BEGGING you not to dis me... Yes. I know. Stupid and about vampires. Heard all the jokes and even cracked a few myself. But it's really no different from any other 'love story' except the main characters are vampires (which honestly is cool)
I mean seriously? What love story aimed at young girls does not portray the guy as the epitome of perfection (and as something that can never be attained by any 'mere mortal' man ;) so why not make him a vampire and make it that much more unattainable? ingenious if you ask me)?

14) Redeeming Love - Francine Rivers
*Beautiful rendition of the book or Hosea. A prostitute wining the undying love of Michael Hosea. This story is BEAUTIFUL and is a great example of Gods love for humanity. We don't deserve it. At all. And yet He bestows in upon us un-grudgingly and extravagantly.



There are many more books... But these are some of the best...

Songs...

So Will and I were talking today about favorite songs, and what they meant to us, why they make it to a position of 'favorite'. So here are my songs and why they are important (or were important) to me. They are numbered but not in any particular order, just to keep a count... Here goes...

1) Butterfly Kisses - Bob Carlisle
*This song was really one of my first favorites. I remember first hearing it and actually understanding the words and what they meant. I cried at the thought of a daddy saying goodbye to his daughter and giving her away to another man to take care of.*

2) Your Guardian Angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
* I was going through a time at Lee when I was scared to move forward but not wanting to go back. I felt alone and at the time it felt like my best friend was 1,500 miles away and with a whole life of their own. This song just made me feel so much better just to sing at the top of my lungs.*

3) I'll Be - Edwin McCain
* Yeah... Cheesy I know, But kind of the same reason as above. *

4) Wagon Wheel - Old Crow Medicine Show.
* This was the first 'real country' song that I fell in love with. I was also in the midst of trying to impress Will and show him that I could like his music too, not just my stuff that he didn't feel was worth anything.*

5) Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson
* Important cause I was in the middle of figuring out where I stood in everything. Am I a daughter? Am I an adult? What am I going to do with my life? This song kinda expressed the frustration of wanting to pull away and just do my own thing.*

6) When Did You Fall In Love With Me - Chris Rice
* Amazing song. Super cheesy, But so cute. I was probably 15 when I first heard this song and oh gosh did I want someone to fall in love with me so that we could fall in love together. Yes. Cheesy, silly, really funny, But totally me.*

7) Walking Her Home - Mark Schultz
* Okay, Another love song that made me cry the first few times i heard it and still chokes me up. *

8) Give Until There's Nothing Left - Relient K
* yeah... Totally the story of my life. GAH *

9) Bad Day - Daniel Powter
* Gosh.. I think I was depressed Sophomore Year Fall semester... *



OKay.. I may add some more later but i'm out of time for right now.. =]

Faith...

Have you ever felt like your faith was put to the test but it didn't come out on top? have you ever felt like you were in a pivotal moment in your life and the thing you thought the 'needed' to happen didn't happen? have you ever doubted something that you believed was suppose to be crucial to your faith?

I have.

I don't think I really, truly, way down deep, believe in healing... on the surface I do. On the surface I know that God can do anything. But when it comes down to the moment, and I am praying for someone to be healed, for a cancer to leave, for a life to be spared, for a back to be touched... There is a voice that gets stronger in my head... a voice that tells me that it hasn't happened yet and that it never will.
And so I pray, I prayed a simple prayer today... "You know (whoever I'm praying over) and you know me, show us your love, and heal them." seems easy enough... Maybe God would listen this time...
Negatory. Not today. Today was not that day that God would show us and prove his love to me.
Why the confusion? Why do I feel so confused? Why can't I just accept that sometimes people don't get healed? Is it because I always pray and nothing happens? Is it because I only ever hear about it but have never seen it?

I don't know... I only know what it feels like.

Writing to write...

So I feel like I just need to write. I don't care what about I just need to type and forget myself.
I love writing. It feels like such an escape for me so often. Even when I am so upset or angry that I can't even think straight, writing makes it all go clear. It is one thing that can organize my thoughts, it calms me down, and by the time I am done I generally feel so much better about myself and life in general.
This semester is huge. Last semester was great. I feel like I know who I am and know myself so much better. I am so much more stable that i have been in the past. I know how to pick friends and how to work out difficult situations. But now this semester is different. I'm being faced with a whole new predicament. One that I didn't think I would ever have to worry about again. But here it is staring me in the face.
I feel like this semester I need to be far more serious about God. There are big things happening in my life and I know I need Him to be a part of it all or none of it is going to work out.
This may not seem like much (and I know that it isn't much at all) But I think what I am going to start with as a small step is to set aside one day a week for the semester where I will go somewhere that I wont get distracted or disturbed and pray for 1 hour. I want to make it more as the semester goes on, but I figure small steps are the best way to get into good habits. I feel like this is something that I really need to be doing.
Also this semester i have gotten a new roommate and she seems super cool. She's from Maine too! Julie ans Steph are awesome. I am feeling so much closer to Julie this semester too, even tho it's early on. I feel like I can really talk to here about anything and that 99% of the time we are really on the same page. We have talked about her church quite a bit this semester and in some ways I am so jealous. I would love to have the same kind of community that she seems to have. she also seems to have such a better sense of what she really specifically believes. I guess that's the best way I can put it. But yeah, I love Julie. =]

So I suppose I'll do something a little different this time. If you are actually reading this, and you are my friend, and you care about me, can you please say a little prayer for me about this semester and some stuff going on in my life? Thanks so much if you do, I really do appreciate it.

~Alyssa