I want to write. I am not sure what exactly it is that I want to write. Just that I do. I downloaded a 30 day trial version of Microsoft office for Mac… I absolutely love it! I think at the end of the 30 days, if I have the money I am going to have to buy it. I guess a lot is going on right now. I am finally moved out and into my own apartment. I love having my own place. Now I am just looking for a job. Books a Million is moving to Bangor and I would love to get a job there. I can’t even express how much I would love it.

I am also seeing someone. Not like when I was seeing the guy up the road. But really actually seeing someone. This is like uncharted territory. I don’t even know what ‘lets take it slow’ even means. However, it is so exciting. I feel like life is going so well. I am so excited for everything that is happening.

I love being where I am. I love being so close to my sisters. I love having my own space. I love being responsible for so much. I cannot wait to have a job and be in school. I finally feel like I am ‘growing up”.

My relationship with God is also on the mend. Things feel so much better in that area of my life. It may not be perfect and I know I am not exactly where I should be, but I feel so much more at ease. All in all, I just feel like life is going well.

I would....

Prefer not to feel insecure...

You have got to be kidding me? Okay, maybe not. Maybe you are just that ignorant. In that case I feel bad for you.

Choo Choo!

So I think I might actually be on top of everything! I have almost finished my application to Husson. I have registered for the GRE. I am actually looking at apartments (and may have found one). I am attending a weekly Bible study in Bangor.

I feel like everything is finally on track! Life is so exciting right now. I have so many open doors in front of me, and I am not scared to go through them. Instead I am completely excited!

I have gotten use to the idea that I am no longer going to live in the South. I have also realized that some people are no longer going to be a part of my life. As painful as all of this was when I first realized it, I have accepted it and know that everything happens for a reason.

I am just so excited for life and everything it has to offer right now.

Well, as it turns out, life goes on. One day follows another and before you know it a week has gone by. Then a month. Then two. Before you realize it you don't know how long it's been. How many times have I told that to someone else? Now those words are ringing true in my own life. I am beginning to enjoy life again. It seems as though being single and 'alone' isn't the end of the world. I no longer cry myself to sleep. It's becoming easier to think back on times together and just be thankful for the good without having my heart break.

Life is life and I am moving on. I never thought I would ever feel the way that I do now.

Gaaaaahhhhh

Fuuuuuuuucccckkkkkk

When I close my eyes and try to figure out what my mood is, that is the only thing that I hear. I want to scream at the top of my lungs till there is no breath left in me. I want to cry until my eyes dry up forever. I want to drink till I forget everything and loose all inhibitions.

Was there ever a way that I could have changed the ending to this chapter? Was there a way to make this end in Happily ever after? I know what I should be doing. I should be focusing on a relationship with God. The lack of that is what screwed me in the first place.

Well. I guess I'll leave this with the one thing flashing in my head.

Fuuck.

Drained...

I am so emotionally and physically drained... I just wanna sit in a ball in my closet and ball my eyes out. I feel so alone... Even though I know i have people who care about me. I feel like i'm a million miles away from anything that matters. I feel like a total looser. I have graduated college... now what? Back to school. Still in debt. Still a slacker. I feel like a total idiot. like I have learned shit for the last 4 years. Just breezed though and made A's and B's by the grace of God.

Then there is the whole 'living in the madhouse till Summer is over'. Can summer please get over fast? I can't handle this. Please God... Just tell me she is going through menopause or something. And that all this shit is gonna pass. I don't think anyone else is going to come out of this house even remotely sane if they have to put up with this. I am counting down till I get out.

b*tch slapped by... life?

Wow... So this has been a week straight from hell but also directly from God. I can't even begin to describe the emotions that I have been riding on for the last week. Have you ever been in church and had an epiphany that you were blind and drowning? And that it was all your own fault? That all the problems you pushed on someone else, all the problems you hid in your closet, all the walls that were between you and God, that it was all your own fault? I have. Wednesday.

I am controlling. God told me to give up control. He said I would be miserable until I did. That I can't possibly control the situation I am in anyway. And finally... I acknowledged that fact. I realized that I wasn't the person I wanted to be. I was bitter. I was great at holding a grudge. I was mean. And I didn't even realize it. I resented it when someone told me that before.

I realized that all this time I was giving and giving and giving and all I was really doing was bitterly holding a grudge. It is such a gradual change. so small. But when I really look at myself, I have allowed myself to fall so short of who I should be.

So Thursday I did the one thing I have refused to do. The one thing I promised myself I would never do. The one thing I thought I could never handle on my own. But I wasn't alone. I finally realized I wasn't in this fight, this life, alone. God was there with me. He was there all night. He has finally given me the peace and hope and joy that I have been begging Him for.

I am still worried. I still have times when I feel like the scum of the earth. I worry about the explanations to be given. And more than anything, I still worry about things that are not mine to worry about. But, I am no longer scared. I am no longer conflicted. I Know that I have done the right thing. I know that if I keep God first in my life, and if I fall in love with Him, then I will become the person that I want to be. I know that if He is first, then everything else in my life will fall into it's proper place.

It's the first time I have felt like this in a long time.

Crematory? WTF?

So once again I am frustrated to a point of disbelief. But this time it has nothing to do with my parents or relationships. Instead it's my idiot cousin and my grandfather.

Ever had a family member that is the 'golden child'? Yeah. He is it and always has been. Even before his dad, my uncle, died of cancer. HE has always been spoiled rotten and my grandparents and his mother have always bent over backwards to give him everything he wants. This has resulted in the biggest and most obnoxious, opinionated, spoiled brat I know.

Well guess what his new plan is? Building a crematory in the middle of my grandfathers property. It will also be in the middle of my fathers and aunts inheritance. Therefore smack down the road from what I'll be getting someday.

My parents already cant sell a piece of property they are trying to get rid of. You think anyone will buy it now knowing that a crematory is going in just up the road? Hell no. I know I wouldn't.

Dad asked Gramp not to do this. To wait at least a few years (you know, to make sure my 18 year old cousin who wants to join the military then open a gun shop in Montana, actually wants to run the funeral business in Maine for a lifelong career). But for the reason of my cousin being the golden child. Of course what he wants on a whim is given him. I am so pissed that I can't even think straight. I want to rip his effing head off.

I have so much on my mind and I want it to spill out and onto a page and into a blog. But everything is so jumbled that I feel like I can't possibly pull a single thought to the surface to expound upon.

I wish I could have the simple days back when my biggest decisions were in my choice what game to play with my brothers and sisters. I miss the days when my family was crazy yet inseparable.

Went to a big church function the last two days. Last night was the youth service. I know that I am not where I should be with God. I know that if I was where everyone assumes that I am, then life would probably be much easier. But I have this problem. Two problems really. They are called Trust and Control. I trust myself. Thats about it. And I feel safe when I am in control.

I didn't really come to terms with the fact that I have these issues or realize how large they were until recently. I know why I have trust issues. I can explain them away. I can give myself a rational reason as to why I can't compare past experience to the future. But it does not work. All I know is the past.

Having control of everything requires me to have trust in no one but me. So it all works out in this endless cycle of crap. In a cycle that is going to get me no where.

So back to the church thing. Last night I wept before God. Not just the single teardrop here and there. I sobbed. My heart feels like it has been torn from my chest and ripped to pieces. And my mind screams that I am doing the same to another. The thought that I would cause another the pain the I have felt or am feeling makes the pain worse. And I let God know that. I begged Him to let me know that this hasn't all been for nothing. That this isn't all for nothing. That I would have peace. That He would give me His Joy again. That everything would just be okay.

God said not to give up. He said to trust Him. He said that His plans for me when I went to college are the same today as they were then. He said to have patience. He said that time heals all wounds. He said that he can change anyones heart. Even mine.

I am at a point where I need to decide if I want Him or not. I have to decide if I am going to go after Him with all my hear the way that I have gone after another. I have to decide. ME.

So here I sit. At my crossroads. Terrified to loose control. Terrified to put my full trust in God. Knowing the right choice. But scared to make it.

I live in conflict.

Changes...

Oh how life changes. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. I have officially graduated from college with a degree in Psychology. I thought that I would be best off doing School Counseling at the same school I graduated from. I was already accepted to their program and was in the process of making plans to move with my best friend to that town. I had my life perfectly planned out. nearly every detail. I had perfect reasons for attending that school, for choosing that program, for keeping everything the way that I had it.

Now everything is changing. I have decided to go to a school closer to home. (If that's what Maine still is. My family is here... I grew up here... I think it is still home, but I haven't thought of it that way in a few years. I have spent the last 2 years planning my life around a single variable. And now that very thing seems to no longer be a part of the equation. And the hardest part is that I am the one writing the equation.) I have changed my decision in what field I want to go into as well. Now I am wanting to study in the field of Clinical Psychology. I am really excited about this field as well. It is so interesting and I have enjoyed everything I have learned in the subject. So I know that I will enjoy the program. And I know I will enjoy the change.

I don't know what the right choice is here. I use to think I knew. I thought there was only one answer. But now I don't. There are so many different possibilities in front of me, and I don't know what to choose. I wish someone else could choose for me. I wish that the equation would just write itself. I wish that I wasn't hurting someone else. However, I have learned that wishes simply don't come true. I don't have a pony, haven't won a million, haven't sold the property, and this problem didn't just disappear over time.

I am ready for change. But not for this much...

Blaaaaaaahhhhh

I don't know what the hell I want so it would be wonderful if everyone would just leave me alone. I hate this. I don't know where I should go to school. I don't know where I should live. I don't know what Pro's outweigh which Con... I don't want to be pushed into something... but I don't want to get stuck either. Can you even understand how hard this is for me? All you have to do is listen and accept my decision... I'm the one that has to make them. I feel like everything I thought I knew for sure is now gone... I feel like I can't trust anyone...

Maybe I have been wrong all along. I just want to quit. I am so tired of the constant battle. With everyone and everything. With the people I love the most... Why is it the people I want to fight the most seem to have no fight in them at all? Perfectly content to do nothing. To barely attain mediocrity is not what I'm looking for. Average is fine... But to barely be considered such, or to be below it... I don't want a life like that.

Everything was planned out so perfectly. I thought everything was okay. I convinced myself that nothing was wrong. I hate the hell of a limbo that I am living in now. With every resolution I make I make another to tear it down.

I feel like my heart is done feeling. Except that is a lie. Feeling comes and goes in waves. I can be numb, and in the next hour be on the verge of tears, or an angry rant, or just lonely and hurt. I just want to be loved as I was promised...

All the promises and all the whispers of love... I did my best and I loved my best... But you didn't follow through. And now my heart is breaking and my life has turned upside down. And what do I do now? Wait.

Nice.

So much for progress. For once in my life can I not fight an uphill battle? Can I not be your mother? Can you be an adult? Please? damnit. What is the problem? Where is your plan? Or do you not have one? Ohhhh... Yes. Not having a plan beyond surviving through the day. That sounds familiar. grow the hell up.

Historical Psychology...

So I am taking a History of Russia class this semester. I love it so far, but we shall see considering my first exam is on Thursday. We have been talking the last few class periods about Ivan the Terrible (Ivan the IV) I cannot believe some of the things he did while he was the Tsar. Hearing about his childhood, his entrance to power, his first marriage, her death and then the way that he ruled the country, his "church"... Parts of this story ore horrifying, and others are heartbreaking.

His father dies when he was three and his mother died shortly after. He was left to the 'care' of a political family named the Shuiskys. They treated him terribly, and worst of all was their oldest son Andrew. He tormented Ivan. During this time Ivan became known for torturing small animals. Finally at 13 he asserted himself as a leader. He initiated himself by having Andrew arrested and publicly tortured and then killed. It was absolutely barbaric. He has himself crowned the Tsar of Russia at 16 and a month later marries Anastasia Romanov. She was most likely the best thing that happened to him throughout the rest of his life. She has a profound and wonderful effect on him and their marriage is a happy one.

Russia, however, was not a happy place. It is in turmoil and Moscow is nearly burned to the ground. Ivan believes that this is punishment from God on the Tsar and that he needs to reform the way that he rules. He creates different councils and a written law. Ivan launches several campaigns against different nations and people. He falls ill and believes he will die. He wants his council to pledge their allegiance to his son Dimitri, but they were all very hesitant. When he recovered from this illness he never forgave these men.

So much happened that I cannot begin to relate here, and there is so much history that goes into this story in order for it to truly make sense. Another important bit of information is that he created a "church" or sorts called "Satan's Band" for his army of barbarians called the "Oprichnina". In this "church" they twist their Bible and turn things upside down so that they are practically worshiping satan. They commit heinous acts in the name of the Tsar and Russia is terrified of them.

His son Dimitri dies, and the next son in line is Ivan. In a fit of rage, Ivan IV kills his son. Eventually Ivan the Terrible dies in 1584.

Part of me wants to study this, I mean, really study it. I want to know why this stuff happened in history. I want to know how horrible things in history could have occurred the way that they did. Sometimes I think it's kinda morbid. But more than anything I am fascinated and just want to know more. I don't know all that my future holds, but I would love for it to hold something in the area of Historical Psychology.

The end.

So life is just retarded sometimes.

Sometimes I just get so sick of everything.

Is life ever perfect for everyone?

And what is up with that stupid saying :the best of both worlds'

That totally does not exist.

Having the best of both words is a total lie that media wants you to believe.

Because you can't have the best of both worlds.

You have to choose.

You have to decide what desire you want to fill cause you can't have them all.

And that my friends is retarded.

Graduation? Degree? Future? Career?

How am I ever suppose to pin down one thing I want to do and stick with it for life? I mean seriously. I have so many different things that I am interested in and want to learn more about. Every time I feel like I have it pinned down, I take another class, listen to a new lecture, and find something else I want to immerse myself in.

I want to help people. I want to study Psychology. Sounds pretty simple right? WRONG. There are so many different venues I can take, so many different options. So many things sound 'fun'. Not fun in the sense of being easy, or studyless, or not requiring alot of work, but fun in the sense that I would have a passion there, something that I never want to stop learning.

So many people can't wait to get out of school and have a 'real life' or a 'real job' or even just get out of school. But I'm not that person. I could spend the rest of my life in school and learning and love it. I don't mind the papers and exams. They are hard and challenge me, but the prove what I know, and show me what I don't.

I don't want to stop learning or loose this passion inside of me. But how do I do that and not become 'stuck'? I don't know. I guess that's all part of growing up? Maybe? Or is growing up realizing that some things are more important than others? And if so, how do I rank the level of importance? What's important to me may be different from others.

Some rank careers, income, social status, where and how you live, and other things as what's most important. But what about fulfillment, joy, and passion? Yes, everyone will agree that those are important, perhaps even fundamental to a 'good life'. But where do they fall when compared to other factors? Are they more important? Equal? Less? Or do that have to fall hand in hand with your accomplishments?

I don't really know. But what I do know is that I don't want my life to be riled by the mundane, the ordinary, the expected social and economic standards. I want my life to be ruled by passion, joy, and intrigue. My question is, how can I live that, yet pay the bills.