Empathy, Blessing or curse?

"You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person's perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person's predicament -- this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings -- to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you."

This is suppose to me, and at times it is very accurate. and that's what I'm writing about. I can be so frustrating to be able to 'see through someone else's eyes' and not be able to explain that to another person. It can be so hard not to get frustrated with other people for not feeling the same way as I do about certain things and situations. But is that right of me? I mean honestly, that is one of my biggest gifts, so can I possibly be upset with someone for not having the same strength that I do? I don't know...

All I know for sire is that I can see things through other peoples eyes. I can get so passionate about something, just because I "understand" how someone can get into the situation that they are in. I don't necessarily condone their behavior (if it's something that someone chose) but I can understand the 'Why'.

Why is a big deal with me... "Why did you do that?" "Why are you sorry?" "Why is the system the way it is?" "Why did you say that?" Understanding the 'why' makes me feel almost closer to people.

I want to help people. In my life, I want to do good where other people have done wrong. When people are broken, I want to be part of the repair. I want God to use me as a tool to take hurt away from people. I want to make kids that feel they are worthless know that they are important and mean something. I want men and women who feel lost and alone, to know that someone cares and is willing to be with them ever step of the way. I want teens to know that they can fool everyone but me, and that they don't have to fake who they are. I want to be genuine and feel like i serve a real purpose.

Just thinking about that makes me ready to do something! Anything! I want to be a help. I want to be a part of the solution. But not everyone understands that. And I can't blame them...

All I ask is for support... You may not understand, But support me. I can't explain the way I feel any better than this. It's like when Jeremiah says: “And if I say, I will not make mention of him, nor speak any more in his name, then there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with forbearing, and I cannot contain” (Jer. 20:9) I feel that this is my call. No. I know that this is my call.

This is who I am... The best way I can put it into words... I don't come with the perfect plan to stay 'disconnected' or keep 'work at work' I know that this isn't going to be easy, that there will be days that are going to be hard. Those days when I Re-realize that I can't 'fix' people. But I'm ready for that. This is who I am...

Empty?

I feel so empty. I know that i should not... I know i should be in the happiest most carefree spot in my life... but i'm not. i can think of a hundred reason what i should smile, why i should forget my worries, why i should not doubt... but all those reasons seem so hollow... so... distant. like a childish belief i once held before reality hit me. now i just feel empty.

i can push it off... and then feel like nothing is wrong... sometimes for weeks at a time. but then it hits. and the longer i've pused those thoughts from my mind, the harder they come back. it hurts my heart, makes my stomach feel sick, makes my eyes water, makes me feel lightheaded.... i feel so much at the same time that it's like i'm feeling nothing at all.

i don't know what to do anymore... I don't know what to say. I just don't know. I can hear my own advice and words of wisom ringing in my head, but that's all it is... just some irritating noise in my head that wont shut up. i want to believe, i want to have faith, i want to feel Gods presence, i want to feel whole and full, but... when i pray about it... the words just don't come... my mind goes blank and all i can do is stare at the floor and feel like i'm suffocating. it's like drownding. it's like i can't take a deep enough breath. and i can't think of anything to say... all i can say is 'i'm lost God... I'm so lost... Do you care?'

But i don't know what to do. I want to be held.

Last night in church I knew God was there... I knew He wanted to do something. I could feel it as soon as i walked into the building... It is so strange to know you are completely wrong with God, and then still be able to feel His presence. My heart was racing, and i couldn't tell why. the sermon that was shared was not particularly earth shattering, but the speaker showed two movie clips that relaly hit home, and then every single song that was played felt like a direct poke at my heart. every word to the songs peirced through me. At one point when i sang these songs i sang them genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, and with a true passion. so all I could do was cry, and it was a good cry too.

So now I'm not sure where I am... But I think I'm better off than I was before. At least I feel better. I'm trying... I really am.

s

Back at long last

So Im finally back at school Back with my friends. And back with Will. Oh gosh. I missed Everyone so much this summer. This semester is going to have to be a turning point in my life. I've got to buckle down, get priorities straight, and work hard. I have so much responsibility on my plate, and while it's intimidating, i think i'm finally up for the challenge. I'm excited to take it all on and see if i can handle it. I'm so excited for this year and all that it holds.
Okay, well I guess that's it for now!
later =]

Not Sure

So once again I'm in a pickle.
I care but I don't care anymore.
She is so ignorant.
She doesnt see the love all around her.
And instead is blinded by so many lies that all she can exude is lies and hatred.
She Has pushed me to my limit.
There is no turning back.
I can't and wont care in the same way that I have up until now.
I have dealt with the lies.
I have dealt with the empty promises.
I have dealt with conversations that lasted hours and went no where.
But I won't deal with this.
Not anymore.
You will not deceive me again.
I will be here.
I will do my best to show you love and care.
But I'm done expecting you to change.
Good Job.
You're only the second person to ever make me loose that hope that you will change.
Only the second.
Congratulations.

Break

So summer break is....
Well I can't quite make up my mind as to what it is.
It's been relaxing, stressful, fun, boring... yeah
I've finished two books already, more than halfway through the third and am going to start Twilight...
work is... well it's work.
Just not enough of it.
I'm only working two days this coming week.
So I don't know how I'm going to have any money for school.
I'm officially going to have to take out some major loans this semester.
This will be the first time.
and I keep telling myself that's a good thing
I made it through two years without having to take one out.
But the thought of starting it now is kind of scary
But it's okay
I'll be alright.
I also miss my friends
and of course my boyfriend
why on earth I go to a school 1500 miles from home i really don't know.
But that's also okay.
He's coming to visit in 24 days and then there is only a month and a half till I get to see everyone else.
but in all of that, it's so good to be home.
I have missed being here.
I love my family
They are all growing up so fast.
I'll have to tell you all about them later.
ttfn! =P

Endings...

Another ending, or is it another beginning?

It seems like the end to everything is just the beginning of another thing.

Time is such a funny thing, it moves at such a strange pace.

Someone recently told me that time is perfect, if it moved any faster or any slower it would suck. 

So much has happened in the past two years. 

I can hardly believe it all when I think about it.

God has been leading me and directing me for so long.

I have been so blessed.

There have been so many opportunities for me to royally screw up, so many times that it would have been easy for me to just give it up and do what i want to do.

But through it all I've stayed on track.

Not because of me, and my will, but because of Him, and the people He has placed in my life.

Some people have been in my life only for a season when I thought they would be in it forever, others have stayed far longer than I thought they would.

I have finally started to learn to appreciate endings, because with each one comes the opportunity to begin something new.

Communication is Key

Is there anything better than pouring out your heart to another person? Is there anything better than knowing that you can tell someone anything, and then actually doing it? I have realized that I found that person. We can talk about anything and everything. I don't know if I actually fully realized that until tonight. Instead of doing anything else we sat and talked for two hours about everything. Our hopes and dreams, our fears, our churches, church itself, families, future and how terrifying it is.

I sometimes wish that I could make things for other people so much more simple for them. I wish that I could actually make everything work out fine and dandy. If only I could simplify the lives of others. But I feel like in just listening and being there I am helping in some way or another. I feel like I'm being used, in every positive meaning of that word.

I guess that's it for tonight... Just needed to throw that out there. =]

People

So finals are coming up.. and I'm realizing it's the end of another year. Isn't that just crazy? I've been here for two years... So much has happened. These have by far, been the most crazy two years of my life. So much has happened. So much good, yet there has been plenty of room for bad. Yet I don't think I would change anything if i could. I am a different person than i was two years ago... I was Naive and so full of expectations and worries and hopes and dreams. So confident in myself and yet at the same time absolutely terrified, doubtful, and in a totally new environment.

I have had so many friends that have come and gone in these two years, so many relationships i thought would last forever, some that i hoped would last forever, that all ended more abruptly than i care to think about. I have realized that 'I' can choose who i want to be, who i want to be around, how i want to treat people. I have realized that i make the decision that dictate my life. I don't have to follow other peoples plans for my life. I know that it's up to me.

there have been times when i lost myself to other people. when i have put more into others lives than into my own. I have tried to live up to everyone else's expectations and forgotten my own. I have tried braking away from everyones expectations and lost myself.

And then I finally decided that none of it really mattered. All that mattered was if I was myself! And then i was happy. I stopped letting myself be controlled by the people around me and started living my life for ME. that was definitely a big moment and decision and HUGE process for me.

I have learned to deal with people. I have realized that everyone is different. Everyone does not think like me, and other people don't look at things the way that i do. I have tried to be a voice of reason when it's needed. (altho I'm not always good at listening to it) I have learned to look at things from other peoples point of view. I have learned to understand other people. That is the greatest gift God has given me. It's nowhere near perfection, but at least i try.

I have learned that just because a situation is not completely comfortable for me doesn't mean that it's wrong. My views on some things have changed, i am learning the art of choosing 'wisely' which battles are worth fighting in. I have learned how to recognize a true friend. I have learned to recognize a lie.

I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I have had heartache, I have had true joy, I have been confused, I have seen the light, I have procrastinated, I have become the Queen of Procrastination, I have been naive and innocent, and I have used Urban Dictionary, I am truly the person that I want to be. There is room for me to grow into a better person, But I am happy when I look in the mirror. I know who it is that I am looking at when i see my reflection.

I have found my core group of friends that I can always go back to, nomatter what. You know who you are. I don't have to name you. I love you.

*sigh*

First of all i would like to apologize to Phillip Hair. This is, yet again, going to be a sucky-hate people-life is stupid-i'm not happy-i'm depressed blog. I'm sorry. this is my outlet when i feel that way... sorry

Secondly, i would like to say that I am not happy, and i have no motivation to do anything (including but not limited to studying for exams, witting a paper, going to meetings... etc)

Thirdly, I just want to cry... but once again for some reason unknown to me i just plain can't get the tears to start flowing. last time this happened it took God smacking me upside the head at Convocation to actually get me to open up the floodgates.

Fourth, I have no idea what to do about any of it.

So yeah... I've gotten myself here again. Except I really can't figure out how it's my fault.. I really can't... usually I know what i did...not this time...
It's not my fault that i care. is it my fault that i care too much? is it my fault that i know exactly how much i can and cannot handle? did i overreact and can i handle more than i say i can and am i just being a 'cop out friend'?

I basically broke off all ties with someone who was at one point a best friend... told them i couldn't care about them anymore... that all i had been was hurt and that they never listened to me... yeah... so if you have issues i can't be your friend. i can only handle so much ya know. I can't handle stuff like that anymore. If i can't fix you in a timely fashion then apparently your too much trouble. i don't give up on people... i can't... and now my ties are severed.. i have snapped. finally quit on someone. knew i'd do it someday... but i didn't realize it would come so soon.

I don't know what to say or what to do. at times i feel justified... but then at moments like this i feel like i have fallen short....


AND THEN, if that wasn't enough... now i may have hurt another friendship... i called them out... i had been hearing that they were not doing good, that they were not with the right people, that they were being disrespectful, and that they just seemed to be falling short... so I called them out.. from a thousand miles away... and know what? they got upset... they accused me of doing things that they know i would never do. i don't know what to say or do. i feel lost in all this mess..


on top of all of this emotional stress there is the stress of school. I feel like i'm shutting down. i don't care anymore. i feel totally indiferent. i have an exam in the morning. i have a paper due later tomorow. havent started the paper, and i've barely studied. i just don't care. i have no motivation at all.

I'm to that point where all i want to do is find a quiet place and just sit there. i don't want to be expected to do anything. i want to just be. exist. that's all i want for a day. i am totally drained. and i don't know what is going to rejuvinate me.

i know what i need.. i need to be with God. But that means forgetting all that i'm suppose to be doing. because when i try to pray, and just have a quiet time, it works for a few minutes, but when i want to spend more time than ususal i can't concentrate.

*sigh*

I'm a mess again. great. Can I please just be done for the semester? please? I hate most of my classes anyway.

I'm sorry to be such a kill joy. soon as i get a good cry i'll be fine. for real. i'm a weird girl like that. so who's up for a sad movie marathon?

Distance between hearts?

So. I have a problem. I don't know where I stand anymore with some people. I use to be the one person that no matter what could call them out. I use to be the best friend. But now I'm a thousand miles away, more busy with life than I have ever been, and feel like I can't fill the same role I use to. All I hear is one side of the story and the story is looking bleak. I am so worried. Every time I think about them I get upset and worried and just wanna call or write a letter... But I don't know if I can anymore... I mean I use to be the person that could say anything and not make them upset with me... But now.. with a thousand miles between us and me more busy with life than I have ever been... I just don't know...

*Sigh*

I just wish this were easier. I wish I could get a clear answer. I feel obligation. But I'm scared at the reaction.

Lost along the way...

"[L] is for the way you look at me, [O] is for the only one I see, [V] is very, very extraordinary, [E] is even more than anyone that you adore."



"What is love Baby don't hurt me Don't hurt me no more Baby don't hurt me Don't hurt me no more"



"Words come easy but dont mean much When the words theyre sayin we cant put trust in Were talkin bout love in a different light And if we all learn to love it would be just right Hey, tell me havent ya heard? Luv, is a serious word Hey, I think its time ya learned I dont care what they say I dont care care what ya heard The word luv, luv is a verb"



"Hey, Can't kick the habit Yeah, I got to have it Yeah, I 'm what they call a Love addict, Love addict Hey, can't live without it Yeah, G'on shout about it Hey, I'm a symptomatic Love addict, Love addict "





So... Yeah. The biggest four letter word that so many of us have forgotten. I have forgotten.

I don't even know where to begin with this one so please bear with me... I guess the best place i could start would be with this:





"13:1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."



This chapter of 1 Chorinthians, wedged in between chapters discussing the importance and function of spiritual gifts in the lives of Christians. Notice verses 1-3. We can have all of these wonderful gifts, but if we don't have love then everything else is pointless.

As a Christian, I know that I have fallen so short... in everything.

I have not loved as He loved, I have acted as though I get to decide who is worhty of my love and who is not. I have even forgotten the very definition of Love.



As Christians we have lost sight of what Love is, it's purpose and significance in our lives, and how it is suppose to be presented in out lives. We have decided that we know what is best and that if someone is not the same as us, has different beliefs, looks different, smells funny, has an irritating personality, then we don't have to love them. We don't have to treat them as an equal... and the list goes on.



I have acted bitter, spitefull, and hatefull towards people that i should have been showing love to. We live in a broken world full of hurting people. We all know at least one person who needs Love, maybe you are the person that needs Love. How does it need to be shown? maybe all somone needs is a hug... a smile... you saying that they are in your thoughts and prayers...
We can see that all people want is to be loved and to show love. (at least the majority of people) Look at the song lyrics again. they are all about finding love and figuring out what it is. WHy are we not showing the world what love really is. at that wether or not it is deserved is not part of the question.



Am I patient?

Am I kind?

Do I demand my own way?

Am I jealous?

Am I boastful?

Am I iritable?

Do I keep a record of wrongs?

Am I happy when the truth comes out?

Do I never give up or lose faith?

Do I enure through every circumstance?



Sometimes I can come out on top... Sometimes I bottom out...

I guess im trying to say is that without love we have nothing. We can think that we are the best Christian when in all actuality we are sometimes the most refutable examples of Christ that can be found.

~Lyss

typing through tears

why am i even here? I am so far away from home... from everything that i know.. from everything that is familiar to me... what am i doing here? besides crying my eyes out? besides missing my siblings grow up? besides missing out on all the memories? besides tryiing to be independent?

i don't think i've ever missed home this much... i just wanna be home... i wanna be in that chaos.. i wanna be there to hear the ridiculous arguments... to tease, to be teased... sure i have great people here... but i need my family...

i missed connors birthday... katie and dee's birthdays... i'm missing them grow up... and there's nothing i can do about it... absolutely nothing.. i wan't them here now more than anything...

(time elapse)

okay... tears have subsided for now... yeah yeah yeah. i know i'm here for a reason, this is where i wanna go to school, i even belive God wants me here... blah blah blah.

yeah whatever... there are reasons for me being here... and i'm not leaving.. i know... but being here now.. with family... doing nothing... having tons of downtime... no distractions.. knowing that i'm going to see a bunch more family... and also knowing that MY family isn't going to be there is killing me...

so sorry for the totally depressing and tear-jerking blog.... (as i'm sure it was) i'll try to be a bit more perky and happy next time i write.

~Lyss

Frustration that's not mine to have...

DISCLAIMER: First of all i do realize that other peoples problems are not my problems and that i cannot possibly fix them. i know that each person is responsible for the decisions that they make and that no matter how much effort and time i put into someone that i can't make them into the person i want them to be, or that i know they have to potential of being. i know all of this. and that is my disclaimer.

So I love people. I am a people person. I also love my friends more than anything. but unfortunately i have some problems with some of my friends. sometimes they just dont see what i see. when they look in the mirror they don't see the same person i do. they don;t have the same motivation i do. they don't have the same priorities i do. they don't see themselves as priceless. they don't have the motivation that they once did. they have lost sight of the goals that were once so important to them.

some of them are changin their priorities into things that they shouldnt... or worse yet, they don't have priorities anymore. God is taking second place to other things... maybe third or fourth....

sometimes it's my place to say something... because they have put me in a place of accountablility... but so much more often then not, i can't do anything. i can't say anything. sometimes it's because it really 'isn't my business' or sometimes just because i know that they wont listen.

(May i please take a side trip? on the topic of it 'not being my business'. Hun. the way i see it it is my business. if you are my friend, and if i love you, and if i want nothing more than for you to succeed in life, and if i want you to be happy {to have true joy}, if all of that and more is true... then how is it not only my business but also my responsibility to be there. to be the one telling you that you're being an idiot. to be the one taking away your internet cord. to be the one telling you that you don't need someone there taking away your innocence to make you feel 'wanted'.

to be the one telling you that life isn't easy and that sometimes it can downright suck, i can get so bad that you can't see the sun anymore. sometimes you can't even find a reason to smile. it can even get so bad that the only reason you are living is because you haven't taken your life.

But you know what?

I hurt for you.
I cry for you.
I ache for you.
I worry for you.
I pray for you.

If I feel for you that much. If I care for you that much. If I love you that much.
It sure as heck is 'my place' to say something.

End bunny trail.)


ANYWAY, I don't always say soemthing when i know i should... because... well i can't. for whatever reason. they have lost sight of everything that's truly important and it doesn't matter what i say or what i do i can't get them back on track. because they don't want to listen to me. they don't want to admit that what i'm saying is true.

People in general hate being told that they are wrong, or that they have changed for the worse, or that they are the only one that can do anything to help themselves.

this isn't even nearly encompasing everything that I want it to... but it will have to do for now. that is if anyone is still even reading this... Spring Break '09 starts tomorow.. i'll have plenty of time to write then... Mucho Love.

~Lyss

Hearing...

So I am not sure what I want to do with my life. Have that basic outline in my head of what i want my life to look like by the time i'm 60 but no absolute plan. 

I want to help people.  One night last semester Wes sat me down and talked with me. He had just had a class that day with Effler about calling and he felt like he needed to talk to me. he gave me a piece of paper and told me to write down my calling. I'm not sure where these words came from... but they came from me cause it's my handwritting. Here is what I wrote:

"I am called to be a big sister. I am here to be the one that others can love, trust, hate, and believe. I am here to be a crying shoulder, a voice of reason, love nomatter what  'to bind up the broken hearted, proclaim liberty to the captives, freedom from sorrow (Is. 61)' Here to cry the tears that they can't, pray the prayers they won't, tell them what they need to know but don't want to hear. I am here to show Jesus to the hurting people." 

So... wow... Yeah, that's exactly what i am called to be... who i want to be... there is no doubt in my mind that doing that for the rest of my life would make me happy.  That it ME.  In a nutshell thta is who I am, who i want to be, how i hope i'll always be. 

the only problem that i can see is... i don't see a job that encompasses all of that... i mean.. yeah, I can be a counsellor, i can be super active in a youth group, i can be a super mom, i can do all of it at the same time... but is that gonna fulfil that? 

I'm starting to think that it might... I'm starting to think that I may just be on the right track.. I'm also realizing that it's a process... not an overnight deal.  I can't change my major to Psychology and then all of a sudden feel perfectly right in everything. I may not like every Psych class that I take. I may hate being stuck with it. I might have no idea what to do when i graduate. there are plenty of things that might and probably will happen. but that's okay. i know what i am. i know who i am. for the first time in a long time.  I KNOW. Wow... what a great feeling... 

I was going to write about Carl Rogers, and how much i loved his article "To Hear and Be Heard" but I suppose i got sidetracked... and i don't wanna over-do one blog... So i'll write all about how amazing he is and how i could have written what he wrote if i were that eloquent with words. 

thanks for listening...

~Lyss

Writtin...

Okay, So here I am sitting at my desk, my fingers are itching to write and I'm not sure what to say or where to even start...

I'm usually upset when I write or have had an epiphany of some sort. Not so much today... A few small things here or there getting on my nerves but thats about it. No major epiphanys but a few realizations about myself.

Ever notice how some people can totally miss the concept of certain things? Like for example, how are on a team and there is one person on the team who wants to do absolutly nothing, but see's absolutly nothing wrong with that? Everything is settled when they say something? If they sugest it or ask you to do something, it needs to be done.

But yeah... It's irritating. Just in case you didn't know. And it was starting to get on my nerves.

I still have no idea what I am going to do after this semester. I thought I knew for sure... Gosh I wish I could just pick a plan and stick with it... But I see the pro's and con's of every path... and every time I think I have made up my mind about one all I can see are the Con's of the decision I have just made.

What should I major in? Psyc? Youth Ministry? Neither? Both? Am I acctually going to go through with getting a Masters in Counseling? I HAVE NO IDEA.

I have no idea what I actually want to do with my life. I know what I want my life to look like... But I have no idea how the logistics all work out... I guess I technically don't need to till the end of next semester... But I would preffer to know now. It's just that I thought that I had hit the nail on the head. I thought I had it down. I thought I heard God and had it all planned out the way He wanted it planned. But now i have no idea if i was wrong. Or if i'm wrong my thinking that I'm wrong. it's the most frustrating thing to deal with. to just not know. when people ask me what my major is and i say that i'm undeclared it's not cause i just havent thought to go change it... it's cause i have no idea what i should change it to. i don't know what to do with it anymore. i don't want to know. i just want to graduate with something that i like and that i can continue with for the rest of my life.

i want to love my job. i don't want it to be juat a 'job' or 'career', i want to be fulfilling my call and my purpose and i want to love it. i think my biggest fear is being older and hating what i'm doing.

but it's okay. at least that's what i keep telling myself. because if i don't convince myself that it's okay and that God is going to tell me what to do and make everything right with me.... then i might go insane... i just don't want to feel like i'm turning my back on Him. and every time i even consider something that is not ministry focused i feel like i'm rejecting a call. and i don't know if that's cause i am or if it's just the way that society and the church wants me to fee. i have no idea. now i don't even know if i could handle being a counsellor because of all the stress that would come along with it. i just am totally lost and have no idea what i'm doing anymore.

okay... i'm out... g'night

Umm... So Yeah.

So Yeah.

I feel like my head and/or my heart is going to explode. I have done so much thinking thinking today. Yeah I know, sounds like i'm insulting myself. I'm not... Promise. It's just that today has been a day of memories for me. So many memories made, so many people I've known, so much time to loose. It is just one of those feelings that cannot be expressed in words alone. I want to cry but at the same time I want to laugh for joy and I can't bring myself to do either.

This has been quite a week already. So much has happened and yet so little has happened. Quantity Vs. Quality I guess... I think alot of stuff just with me and my life and my past and all that cool jazz has finally been resolved. I think the past is officially in the past and my i am ready for this semester and everything coming at me.

Remind me to write about my boys. I can't do it now. I don't have time. But I need to, My boys are the best ever and I love them all. (Don't get me wrong my girls are great too and i'd probly die without them)

well I'll wright more later when my thoughts are a smidge more organized...

Dreamer

So... Me and Will made these lists of favorite/things we love, no people just things. And readin those lists just puts me in this weird dreamy, whimsical, wish-I-was-doing-something, un-nameable emotion mood. I can't really expalin it and have no ideal why it makes me feel that way when I read it but it does. I see all the different things that I sometimes forget to appreciate, and don't realize that I love all at the same time in one spot. Obviously it's not everything and there are many more things that I could add to the list, and maybe I'll write another one to add to this one. I dunno... guess I just wanted to write that down. Okay, I'll go read the Illiad now...

Favorites

Some of my favorite Things and feelings. =]

1- Big Sweatshirts
2- Smell of a fire
3- Butterflies in my stomache
4- Feeling I get when I hear the bagpipes
5- Wearing dresses
6- Listening to music as loud as I can
7- Changing leaves in autumn
8- Feeling needed and wanted
9- Driving on familiar roads
10- Talking about nothing for hours
11- Christmas lights
12- Singing at the top of my lungs in chapel
13- Listening to someone play the guitar or piano
14- Being on a boat
15- Seeing Daddies taking daughters out for ice cream
16- Little kids
17- The sun rising on the ocean
18- Sitting in the quiet reading a book
19- Crying because something is so beautiful/perfect/precious/sweet
20- Saying 'I love you'
21- Pictures
22- Writting my thoughts down
23- Feeling of anticipation when you know you're going to see someone
24- Driving with the windows down and music blaring with friends
25- Being appreciated

About Me

So yeah... HI!!
My name is Alyssa Kelley.
I am the oldest of 6 kids.
I have lived in Maine all of my life untill coming down to school in Tennesee.
I love my family and I love Maine.
I'm a student at Lee University.
I want to get my Bachelors in Youth Ministry with a minor in Psycology and then get my Masters in Counseling.
I have changed my Major 3 times.
I am honestly one of the most indecisive people I know.
I let my emotions rule my life.
Even in legitimate personality tests and Strengths Finders, it consistently shows that my emotions rule.
I have found something that I can be dedicated to.
I can't think about the future without freaking out.
Thinking about graduation terrifies me.
I love my friends more than anything.
I am trying to keep my life on track with God and what He wants.

The End.

Reunion

So you know that feeling you get, when you see someone that you haven't seen in a long time? Like, this person is pretty much your best friend and for some reason, even tho you tried to keep in touch, it just didn't work. Maybe it was your fault, you didn't write as much as you promised... well forget the logistics of how it didn't work out, lets just remember that it didn't. So you kinda forget about them right? Maybe start forgetting the sound of their voice, the feel of their embrace... all those little things. Well, what about the next time you see them? That feeling you get.

The tightness in your chest for a second that explodes into an overwhelming joy. You have no idea why you didn't keep in touch, you forgot that they made you feel this great, and all you know is you never wanna be separated from them again.

That is exactly how I felt last night. It had been so long since I had felt God's presence. Last night I felt Him there with me. It was great. I don't ever want to stop feeling that.

Glorious (?)

The day is brighter here with you
The night is lighter than its hue
Would lead me to believe
Which leads me to believe
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
Yeah, you make everything glorious
And I’m yours
What does that make me?
My eyes are small
But they have seen
The beauty of enormous things
There’s light enough to see
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
Yeah, you make everything glorious
And I’m yours
What does that make me?
From glory to glory
You are glorious, You are glorious
From glory to glory
You are glorious, you are glorious
Which leads me to believe
Why I can believe
From glory to glory, you are glorious


If God is everything Glorious, and makes everything Glorious, does that make us automatically Glorious?
Do we have to work to be Glorious?
Are we Glorious through Him or all on our own because we are his creation?

Empty Words

1-10-08
Empty Words.
Everyone says them. Whether they have meaning at the time they are said is always debatable. Sometimes we can something and mean it with all our heart at the time it is said, and other times we know as we are saying it that it was a lie. I am guilty of speaking empty words as much as anyone else. But I hope that it has always been unintentional. I try to be honest and say what is on my mind when I’m asked. I don’t always succeed but I try my best. Like Horton the Elephant (in Horton Hears a Who) “I said what I meant and I meant what I said” I have been told many empty words. My life has been full of them for the past 3 years. I think of myself as a person who is a fairly good judge of character. My problem is that I usually don’t listen to myself. I want to trust everyone. I want to fix everyone. I want everyone to be more than okay. All I want is for those around me to be happy. I want them to be full of joy. I don’t care what the cost of it to myself is.

I think this was an attempt at poetry...

Man.
12/27/08
Oh so broken
Oh so alone
Oh so depressed
Oh so lonely
Oh so forgotten
Oh so betrayed
Oh so judged
Oh so stupid
Where is our hope for better days?
Where is our promise of love?
Where is our redemption?
Where is our safety?
Where is our forgiveness?
Where is our joy?
We know where it is.
We rejected the answer.
We have tried to substitute.
We have filled the emptiness of our hearts with everything but the answer.
We have gone so long without, that we have forgotten where it is.
We run in the opposite direction of anything that is contrary to what we want to believe.
We look only for answers that support our beliefs of what is easiest.
We are learning the hard way that we can never satisfy ourselves.
We hurt ourselves.
We destroy others.
We ruin relationships.
We create walls.
We burn bridges.
Every time we attempt to fix ourselves things get worse.
Why are we such a stubborn people?