Well life is just that. It is full of LIFE. Ever changing and never the same. Full of seasons and changes and twists and turns and the unexpected and the predicted. I feel like every time I begin to foresee longtime stability something happens to swipe it away. However, instead of becoming upset about it like I was at first, and instead of being bitter or any other negative emotion... I have begun the process of embracing the unknown.

Life is full of adventure and change and the unknown. So why should I be upset when the plans that I begin to make end up falling through? Isn't it just better to stop making plans? Isn't it better to just take every day as it comes? I don't know if it is or not, But that is what I am doing. And the stress in my life has melted away.

The Bible tells us not to worry about what tomorrow holds. God says that He is the one who holds our tomorrow and for us to leave it in His hands. So in my decision to not worry about tomorrow, I suppose that I am actually following in Gods plan for me. That is a complete sigh of relief.

I feel at peace right now. There are things that I still don't have the answer to, and I still do not know what the future holds. There are things in my life right now that I still do not know how to handle.

I want to write. I am not sure what exactly it is that I want to write. Just that I do. I downloaded a 30 day trial version of Microsoft office for Mac… I absolutely love it! I think at the end of the 30 days, if I have the money I am going to have to buy it. I guess a lot is going on right now. I am finally moved out and into my own apartment. I love having my own place. Now I am just looking for a job. Books a Million is moving to Bangor and I would love to get a job there. I can’t even express how much I would love it.

I am also seeing someone. Not like when I was seeing the guy up the road. But really actually seeing someone. This is like uncharted territory. I don’t even know what ‘lets take it slow’ even means. However, it is so exciting. I feel like life is going so well. I am so excited for everything that is happening.

I love being where I am. I love being so close to my sisters. I love having my own space. I love being responsible for so much. I cannot wait to have a job and be in school. I finally feel like I am ‘growing up”.

My relationship with God is also on the mend. Things feel so much better in that area of my life. It may not be perfect and I know I am not exactly where I should be, but I feel so much more at ease. All in all, I just feel like life is going well.

I would....

Prefer not to feel insecure...

You have got to be kidding me? Okay, maybe not. Maybe you are just that ignorant. In that case I feel bad for you.

Choo Choo!

So I think I might actually be on top of everything! I have almost finished my application to Husson. I have registered for the GRE. I am actually looking at apartments (and may have found one). I am attending a weekly Bible study in Bangor.

I feel like everything is finally on track! Life is so exciting right now. I have so many open doors in front of me, and I am not scared to go through them. Instead I am completely excited!

I have gotten use to the idea that I am no longer going to live in the South. I have also realized that some people are no longer going to be a part of my life. As painful as all of this was when I first realized it, I have accepted it and know that everything happens for a reason.

I am just so excited for life and everything it has to offer right now.

Well, as it turns out, life goes on. One day follows another and before you know it a week has gone by. Then a month. Then two. Before you realize it you don't know how long it's been. How many times have I told that to someone else? Now those words are ringing true in my own life. I am beginning to enjoy life again. It seems as though being single and 'alone' isn't the end of the world. I no longer cry myself to sleep. It's becoming easier to think back on times together and just be thankful for the good without having my heart break.

Life is life and I am moving on. I never thought I would ever feel the way that I do now.

Gaaaaahhhhh

Fuuuuuuuucccckkkkkk

When I close my eyes and try to figure out what my mood is, that is the only thing that I hear. I want to scream at the top of my lungs till there is no breath left in me. I want to cry until my eyes dry up forever. I want to drink till I forget everything and loose all inhibitions.

Was there ever a way that I could have changed the ending to this chapter? Was there a way to make this end in Happily ever after? I know what I should be doing. I should be focusing on a relationship with God. The lack of that is what screwed me in the first place.

Well. I guess I'll leave this with the one thing flashing in my head.

Fuuck.

Drained...

I am so emotionally and physically drained... I just wanna sit in a ball in my closet and ball my eyes out. I feel so alone... Even though I know i have people who care about me. I feel like i'm a million miles away from anything that matters. I feel like a total looser. I have graduated college... now what? Back to school. Still in debt. Still a slacker. I feel like a total idiot. like I have learned shit for the last 4 years. Just breezed though and made A's and B's by the grace of God.

Then there is the whole 'living in the madhouse till Summer is over'. Can summer please get over fast? I can't handle this. Please God... Just tell me she is going through menopause or something. And that all this shit is gonna pass. I don't think anyone else is going to come out of this house even remotely sane if they have to put up with this. I am counting down till I get out.

b*tch slapped by... life?

Wow... So this has been a week straight from hell but also directly from God. I can't even begin to describe the emotions that I have been riding on for the last week. Have you ever been in church and had an epiphany that you were blind and drowning? And that it was all your own fault? That all the problems you pushed on someone else, all the problems you hid in your closet, all the walls that were between you and God, that it was all your own fault? I have. Wednesday.

I am controlling. God told me to give up control. He said I would be miserable until I did. That I can't possibly control the situation I am in anyway. And finally... I acknowledged that fact. I realized that I wasn't the person I wanted to be. I was bitter. I was great at holding a grudge. I was mean. And I didn't even realize it. I resented it when someone told me that before.

I realized that all this time I was giving and giving and giving and all I was really doing was bitterly holding a grudge. It is such a gradual change. so small. But when I really look at myself, I have allowed myself to fall so short of who I should be.

So Thursday I did the one thing I have refused to do. The one thing I promised myself I would never do. The one thing I thought I could never handle on my own. But I wasn't alone. I finally realized I wasn't in this fight, this life, alone. God was there with me. He was there all night. He has finally given me the peace and hope and joy that I have been begging Him for.

I am still worried. I still have times when I feel like the scum of the earth. I worry about the explanations to be given. And more than anything, I still worry about things that are not mine to worry about. But, I am no longer scared. I am no longer conflicted. I Know that I have done the right thing. I know that if I keep God first in my life, and if I fall in love with Him, then I will become the person that I want to be. I know that if He is first, then everything else in my life will fall into it's proper place.

It's the first time I have felt like this in a long time.

Crematory? WTF?

So once again I am frustrated to a point of disbelief. But this time it has nothing to do with my parents or relationships. Instead it's my idiot cousin and my grandfather.

Ever had a family member that is the 'golden child'? Yeah. He is it and always has been. Even before his dad, my uncle, died of cancer. HE has always been spoiled rotten and my grandparents and his mother have always bent over backwards to give him everything he wants. This has resulted in the biggest and most obnoxious, opinionated, spoiled brat I know.

Well guess what his new plan is? Building a crematory in the middle of my grandfathers property. It will also be in the middle of my fathers and aunts inheritance. Therefore smack down the road from what I'll be getting someday.

My parents already cant sell a piece of property they are trying to get rid of. You think anyone will buy it now knowing that a crematory is going in just up the road? Hell no. I know I wouldn't.

Dad asked Gramp not to do this. To wait at least a few years (you know, to make sure my 18 year old cousin who wants to join the military then open a gun shop in Montana, actually wants to run the funeral business in Maine for a lifelong career). But for the reason of my cousin being the golden child. Of course what he wants on a whim is given him. I am so pissed that I can't even think straight. I want to rip his effing head off.

I have so much on my mind and I want it to spill out and onto a page and into a blog. But everything is so jumbled that I feel like I can't possibly pull a single thought to the surface to expound upon.

I wish I could have the simple days back when my biggest decisions were in my choice what game to play with my brothers and sisters. I miss the days when my family was crazy yet inseparable.

Went to a big church function the last two days. Last night was the youth service. I know that I am not where I should be with God. I know that if I was where everyone assumes that I am, then life would probably be much easier. But I have this problem. Two problems really. They are called Trust and Control. I trust myself. Thats about it. And I feel safe when I am in control.

I didn't really come to terms with the fact that I have these issues or realize how large they were until recently. I know why I have trust issues. I can explain them away. I can give myself a rational reason as to why I can't compare past experience to the future. But it does not work. All I know is the past.

Having control of everything requires me to have trust in no one but me. So it all works out in this endless cycle of crap. In a cycle that is going to get me no where.

So back to the church thing. Last night I wept before God. Not just the single teardrop here and there. I sobbed. My heart feels like it has been torn from my chest and ripped to pieces. And my mind screams that I am doing the same to another. The thought that I would cause another the pain the I have felt or am feeling makes the pain worse. And I let God know that. I begged Him to let me know that this hasn't all been for nothing. That this isn't all for nothing. That I would have peace. That He would give me His Joy again. That everything would just be okay.

God said not to give up. He said to trust Him. He said that His plans for me when I went to college are the same today as they were then. He said to have patience. He said that time heals all wounds. He said that he can change anyones heart. Even mine.

I am at a point where I need to decide if I want Him or not. I have to decide if I am going to go after Him with all my hear the way that I have gone after another. I have to decide. ME.

So here I sit. At my crossroads. Terrified to loose control. Terrified to put my full trust in God. Knowing the right choice. But scared to make it.

I live in conflict.

Changes...

Oh how life changes. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. I have officially graduated from college with a degree in Psychology. I thought that I would be best off doing School Counseling at the same school I graduated from. I was already accepted to their program and was in the process of making plans to move with my best friend to that town. I had my life perfectly planned out. nearly every detail. I had perfect reasons for attending that school, for choosing that program, for keeping everything the way that I had it.

Now everything is changing. I have decided to go to a school closer to home. (If that's what Maine still is. My family is here... I grew up here... I think it is still home, but I haven't thought of it that way in a few years. I have spent the last 2 years planning my life around a single variable. And now that very thing seems to no longer be a part of the equation. And the hardest part is that I am the one writing the equation.) I have changed my decision in what field I want to go into as well. Now I am wanting to study in the field of Clinical Psychology. I am really excited about this field as well. It is so interesting and I have enjoyed everything I have learned in the subject. So I know that I will enjoy the program. And I know I will enjoy the change.

I don't know what the right choice is here. I use to think I knew. I thought there was only one answer. But now I don't. There are so many different possibilities in front of me, and I don't know what to choose. I wish someone else could choose for me. I wish that the equation would just write itself. I wish that I wasn't hurting someone else. However, I have learned that wishes simply don't come true. I don't have a pony, haven't won a million, haven't sold the property, and this problem didn't just disappear over time.

I am ready for change. But not for this much...

Blaaaaaaahhhhh

I don't know what the hell I want so it would be wonderful if everyone would just leave me alone. I hate this. I don't know where I should go to school. I don't know where I should live. I don't know what Pro's outweigh which Con... I don't want to be pushed into something... but I don't want to get stuck either. Can you even understand how hard this is for me? All you have to do is listen and accept my decision... I'm the one that has to make them. I feel like everything I thought I knew for sure is now gone... I feel like I can't trust anyone...

Maybe I have been wrong all along. I just want to quit. I am so tired of the constant battle. With everyone and everything. With the people I love the most... Why is it the people I want to fight the most seem to have no fight in them at all? Perfectly content to do nothing. To barely attain mediocrity is not what I'm looking for. Average is fine... But to barely be considered such, or to be below it... I don't want a life like that.

Everything was planned out so perfectly. I thought everything was okay. I convinced myself that nothing was wrong. I hate the hell of a limbo that I am living in now. With every resolution I make I make another to tear it down.

I feel like my heart is done feeling. Except that is a lie. Feeling comes and goes in waves. I can be numb, and in the next hour be on the verge of tears, or an angry rant, or just lonely and hurt. I just want to be loved as I was promised...

All the promises and all the whispers of love... I did my best and I loved my best... But you didn't follow through. And now my heart is breaking and my life has turned upside down. And what do I do now? Wait.

Nice.

So much for progress. For once in my life can I not fight an uphill battle? Can I not be your mother? Can you be an adult? Please? damnit. What is the problem? Where is your plan? Or do you not have one? Ohhhh... Yes. Not having a plan beyond surviving through the day. That sounds familiar. grow the hell up.

Historical Psychology...

So I am taking a History of Russia class this semester. I love it so far, but we shall see considering my first exam is on Thursday. We have been talking the last few class periods about Ivan the Terrible (Ivan the IV) I cannot believe some of the things he did while he was the Tsar. Hearing about his childhood, his entrance to power, his first marriage, her death and then the way that he ruled the country, his "church"... Parts of this story ore horrifying, and others are heartbreaking.

His father dies when he was three and his mother died shortly after. He was left to the 'care' of a political family named the Shuiskys. They treated him terribly, and worst of all was their oldest son Andrew. He tormented Ivan. During this time Ivan became known for torturing small animals. Finally at 13 he asserted himself as a leader. He initiated himself by having Andrew arrested and publicly tortured and then killed. It was absolutely barbaric. He has himself crowned the Tsar of Russia at 16 and a month later marries Anastasia Romanov. She was most likely the best thing that happened to him throughout the rest of his life. She has a profound and wonderful effect on him and their marriage is a happy one.

Russia, however, was not a happy place. It is in turmoil and Moscow is nearly burned to the ground. Ivan believes that this is punishment from God on the Tsar and that he needs to reform the way that he rules. He creates different councils and a written law. Ivan launches several campaigns against different nations and people. He falls ill and believes he will die. He wants his council to pledge their allegiance to his son Dimitri, but they were all very hesitant. When he recovered from this illness he never forgave these men.

So much happened that I cannot begin to relate here, and there is so much history that goes into this story in order for it to truly make sense. Another important bit of information is that he created a "church" or sorts called "Satan's Band" for his army of barbarians called the "Oprichnina". In this "church" they twist their Bible and turn things upside down so that they are practically worshiping satan. They commit heinous acts in the name of the Tsar and Russia is terrified of them.

His son Dimitri dies, and the next son in line is Ivan. In a fit of rage, Ivan IV kills his son. Eventually Ivan the Terrible dies in 1584.

Part of me wants to study this, I mean, really study it. I want to know why this stuff happened in history. I want to know how horrible things in history could have occurred the way that they did. Sometimes I think it's kinda morbid. But more than anything I am fascinated and just want to know more. I don't know all that my future holds, but I would love for it to hold something in the area of Historical Psychology.

The end.

So life is just retarded sometimes.

Sometimes I just get so sick of everything.

Is life ever perfect for everyone?

And what is up with that stupid saying :the best of both worlds'

That totally does not exist.

Having the best of both words is a total lie that media wants you to believe.

Because you can't have the best of both worlds.

You have to choose.

You have to decide what desire you want to fill cause you can't have them all.

And that my friends is retarded.

Graduation? Degree? Future? Career?

How am I ever suppose to pin down one thing I want to do and stick with it for life? I mean seriously. I have so many different things that I am interested in and want to learn more about. Every time I feel like I have it pinned down, I take another class, listen to a new lecture, and find something else I want to immerse myself in.

I want to help people. I want to study Psychology. Sounds pretty simple right? WRONG. There are so many different venues I can take, so many different options. So many things sound 'fun'. Not fun in the sense of being easy, or studyless, or not requiring alot of work, but fun in the sense that I would have a passion there, something that I never want to stop learning.

So many people can't wait to get out of school and have a 'real life' or a 'real job' or even just get out of school. But I'm not that person. I could spend the rest of my life in school and learning and love it. I don't mind the papers and exams. They are hard and challenge me, but the prove what I know, and show me what I don't.

I don't want to stop learning or loose this passion inside of me. But how do I do that and not become 'stuck'? I don't know. I guess that's all part of growing up? Maybe? Or is growing up realizing that some things are more important than others? And if so, how do I rank the level of importance? What's important to me may be different from others.

Some rank careers, income, social status, where and how you live, and other things as what's most important. But what about fulfillment, joy, and passion? Yes, everyone will agree that those are important, perhaps even fundamental to a 'good life'. But where do they fall when compared to other factors? Are they more important? Equal? Less? Or do that have to fall hand in hand with your accomplishments?

I don't really know. But what I do know is that I don't want my life to be riled by the mundane, the ordinary, the expected social and economic standards. I want my life to be ruled by passion, joy, and intrigue. My question is, how can I live that, yet pay the bills.

I know it's your major and all...

Why are people so skeptical? Why are people so quick to judge what they do not understand? Why do people feel that if they have lived for any amount of years or had life experience of consider themselves wise or intelligent then they know all that matters. Sometimes I just want to shake people and scream in their face and say “YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT SO SHUT THE HELL UP!!” This is my life. This is my major. This is what I’m learning. This is what I am going to do for a living. I think I know more than you do on the Subject matter.

I am a Psychology Major. There are such things as Mental Disorders. Things exist that impair your functioning. Things exist that people can not control. Some people can not just “get over it” or “act normal” or “get real” or “be happy” or “concentrate” or “sit still”. Telling some people to do these things is like telling a person with cancer “Just get better.” See the stupidity?

I do not know everything. But I know enough to know that some people just do not want to admit that not everyone is in full control. I don’t know why. Maybe it challenges their world view. Maybe it challenges their faith. Maybe it just scares them. But to say that things do not exist is just ignorant. Why? Because people who actually have these disorders do not use them as a cop-out. Sometimes they even know that they have something wrong with them, but they don’t have the ability to change. Some people can’t just stop or get better.

I guess this is a battle I’ll always have. I still don’t know how to handle it. Right now I have decided that these people won’t change their mind just because a College undergrad student tells them it’s real. So I just keep quiet and let them hold their own opinions. It’s not worth the argument. Maybe someday I’ll find a way to change their minds.

But for now, Whatever. Be ignorant. Insult me. Insult my profession of choice. Insult the people that deal with these problems that they can’t control. I just hope you don’t find someone close to you who has one of the problems you label so “fake”.

Aggitation

I have an antsy feeling in my whole body. I just want to do something. I wan to make a change. Do something unexpected. I wanna cut my hair short. I wanna get a tattoo. I wanna change my makeup. I wanna change my style. I wanna do something outrageous. I wanna go somewhere, but I have nowhere to go. I want to cook, but I don’t want to eat.

I am happy where I am in life, but I’m ready for something new and exciting. I really do think I want a tattoo... Maybe for graduation... That would be fun. Oh well. I guess I will just have to be satisfied with where I am right now, and just wait for the next chapter to get here.

Control...

So I haven’t written a thing in a while. I guess I’ve just been so busy that I barely have time to think straight, much less try to put it all down and sort through it. So much is going on that I can’t control. And the pieces that I can control, others want to take charge of. How can people tell me I’m wrong? How can people tell me that I’m falling away from God? How can people that thought they knew me so well, actually know so little about me.

Today it all just hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m so small. I can’t handle all of this on my own. I don’t know how not to love. I don’t know how to not be who I am. I don’t know how to not find joy in the things that I do.

I don’t know how because it’s not possible. I don’t know how because I’m not suppose to.

I’m not going to change who I am or where I’m headed based on what other people want, or what other people think is best. Why is that? Because as much as they say that they will also have to live with the decisions I make, They don’t. They make face some consequences. But I am the person who has to live with every decision I make. I am the one who has to wake up every morning and live with my choices.

I may not be perfect. And I may not know everything. I may not be the person that others expect me to be. But I am okay with that. When I look in the mirror now, I am satisfied with who I am. I know that I am doing the right thing. I know that everything will be okay.

Selfish?

Why do you think that I am selfish? Because I want what is best for me? Okay. Call me selfish. Sometimes I wish you could hear yourself talk. I wish you could hear the contradictions that fall off your tongue. You are the selfish one. You want to impose your rules and your life on me. You are so selfish. You don’t want to loose me. The only way you are going to loose me is if you push me away, the ball is in your court. I’ve made my decision. You need to make yours. Stop being selfish and let me have a life, the life that I want. I know that you care and want what’s best. But you do not know what’s best for me, you know what is best for you. You said that to me today. It’s no longer about me, I don’t think it ever was, it’s about you. So you know what? I’m done.

Growing up...

You want me to make a choice? Gladly. Screw you. I'm done with accomodating. I'm done with being silent. You want me to speak? I'll speak. But I'm done hiding what I think. I'll speak what I'm really thinking. Maybe you will actually get to know me. ME. The real me. Not the person you think I am. Not the little girl who does everything you say with the snap of your finger. But the Young woman who has a life of her own. The young woman who can make her own decisions. The young woman you have made me into. Maybe you will get to know her.

This is my fault. I accept full responsibility. It is my fault you don't know me. It's my fault you think I'm somone else. I should have showed you. I should have stood up to you when I wanted to. I should have had a backbone. I should have been independent.

I can walk on my own two feet. I can fall, get hurt, and pick myself back up again. I can take responsibility from myself. I know how to take care of myself. I know what hurts me, and I know what doesn't. I know what's dangerous and I know what's safe. I know the Truth, and I know the Lies. I know what I can do, and I know what I can't. You've taught me these things. So let me spread my wings and fly. Choose to open the door to my cage... Or when I get out, I'll never come back.

What?

How is it possible for someone else to know what you want? To know the desires of your heart? To know what it is you want out of life. How do they know where you will find fulfilment?

You tell them.

If you have not told somone these desires, these wants, then how will they know? They simply can't. They can try. They can tell you what they want, what they desire, and where they find fulfilment. But that is not the same. They can paint a pretty picture, but if it's not yours, then you won't appreciate it, you won't want it, and if you did... it would be wrong.

I don't want someone elses plan for my life. Nomatter how cookie cutter, how sweet, how seemingly perfect. I want my own life. If I make a mistake, I can live with it. I know what I want out of life. I know my plan, or at least part of it. I don't know everything. But I know what God has given me. I know the talents He has given me. I know the heart he has given me. I know the people he has placed in my life. I know where he has placed me.

I don't know where I'm going or what I will end up doing... But I don't have to know that yet. And neither does anyone else. :)

Haceed

Haceed
“An overwhelming desire to give of yourself, to the other person, for their benefit, regardless of the cost to you”
Overwhelming and brings you to your knees. it’s all you want is to give of yourself to the other person. Pure love. Unselfish. Hard work. But it is the goal.
Priority of Haceed is not on the self but on the other person
Look for ways and opportunities to meet needs and desires
The Greek word is AGAPE

Frustrations....

So It's been forever since I've posted anything on here. I doubt anyone even reads anymore, but that's okay. I write from me not you. GAH why is life frustrating. I feel like.. Idk. My parents are trying to tell me what to do, how to live, who to be with. I can't let them make all these decisions for me. I kow that i don't have as much wisdom as they do and that they have been playing this game of life far longer than I have, But that doesn't mean they have all the answers. I have to make some of these decisions on my own. they aren't always going to b right here telling me what to do and if they are that would be a serious problem. I'm an adult now. I'm a senior in college and I have a plan for my life. And the plan that I have for my life, doesn't exactly line up with the plan that they have. Here is the problem. *sigh*

If I make a mistake, If I choose the wrong path, I can live with that. I can take responsibility for my actions. What I canot do, and what i refuse to do, is take responsibility for the choices and decisions that they want to make for me.

I know that they want what is best for me. What good parent doesn't want that for their children? But their concept and idea of what is best for me and what is going to make me happy, Isn't mine.

How can I show them that? Do I just keep doing what I'm doing and wait for them to accept my decisions? I am trying to compromise and make some adjustments, But I refuse to let them dictate my life from 1500 miles away.

*sigh*

Oh well, this is all for now.

Wanna be...

What do I want to be?
What effect do I want to have?
What purpose do I want my life to serve?

I don't know much.
I don't know exactly who I want to be or exactly what I want to do.
But I do have a rough idea.

I want to be someone that is remembered long after I am gone.
I want to be someone that people who don't know me, miss me.
I want to be the person who others can look up to.

Last night I was talking with Will.
We got onto the subject of one of his very good friends who had passed away in a car accident 4 years earlier.
We've talked about him before and I've heard tons of stories.
And then I realized something last night.

I want to be like Kevin Hunter.

I don't know him.
I never got to meet him.
I've never heard his voice.
I've never heard him laugh, sing, or cry.
But I miss him.

I miss him in a way that feels like when you go to the kitchen to grab the last cookie to only discover that someone just grabbed it a minute before you.
I hear stories about him and wish I could have been there when they happened.

I want to be missed by people that don't know me.

"Sunshine on my shoulders..."

So I re-realized something about myself.
The sun effects my mood directly.
It think it does all of us.
On a day like today, with the sun shining down on me, the grass turning a beautiful shade of green, the dogwoods blossoming, I can't help but be happy and optimistic.
My outlook on life itself has improved dramatically just by walking outside in the sun.
I can't wait for tomorrow.
I think I may have a picnic with Will at Schimmels... (shhhh. Don't tell.)
That sounds absolutely divine.

God is also a pretty cool guy.
The other night I just couldn't sleep (Gee... wonder why?) and as I was laying there in bed, my mind racing and trying to pray, I thought of something.
I realized that I was praying for all these things and I was in a real battle.
But in all of that I realized that I was not ready for battle.
I was not wearing the full armor of God.
I may have on the Helmet of Salvation, but what about the rest of it?
The Belt of Truth?
The Breastplate of Righteousness?
Feet fitted with the Gospel of Peace?
Shield of Faith?
Sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God?
If I am going to to battle with nothing but a helmet on how do I expect to survive? Much less Thrive?
Well I thought about all that and then went to sleep.
The next day in class (Yesterday) the devotion one of the students led us in was about the Armor of God.
Dang.
Maybe God wants to grab my attention.

Well... Back to studying for that exam...

Last Straw

I have reached that point.
I have reached the point where anything sends me over the edge.
I have gotten to the place where those things that don't really matter, and really don't bother me, make me take a thirty minute shower so I can cry without getting caught.
I am falling over the edge.
I can't keep my concentration on anything for very long.
I dread summer more and more with every passing moment.
One splinter seems to shatter the whole image.
I feel like everything is slipping out of my hands and is spiraling out of control and I just stand by, helpless.
Unable to control it.
Unable to stop the downward spiral.
I just stand by, helpless.
I can't continue this.
I want to just curl up with Will and let him hold me, tell me everything will be okay.
But I can't even have that.
If this is how I feel, how does he feel?
I try to distract myself with that, so that I stop worrying about myself, but even that only works for a short period of time.
I said I could do a long distance relationship.
But I can't do this.
I said I could spend summers apart.
But every week?
All I want is something to look forward to and not have it get screwed up.
Please?

Conundrum.

Okay, So I should be studying for an exam right now, but obviously I am not. I can't turn off my mind. I am so tired. I have a headache and I'm fairly certain it's because my mind has been racing for so long.

Life is so funny. Drama has been systematically wiped out of my life. Most of it I have gotten rid of myself, and some has just disappeared on it's own. But this semester I finally reached a point where there were no more outside sources of drama in my life. I was really quite proud of myself.

Perhaps that was my problem. Letting myself think that drama was a thing of the past. I let myself get caught off guard.

Well the irony in this situation is that the drama is from home. The drama is coming from the people that told me not to let things going on at home effect what was happening to me at school. The irony is that the drama is coming from the people that should be showing me the most support. The irony is that I'm going home to drama as opposed to leaving it at school.

"Grow Up"
I need to grow up. The only problem I see is that I thought I was. I thought that "growing up" meant that I learned to take care of myself. I thought growing up meant learning how to make all the 'right' decisions and learning from the 'wrong' ones. I thought that it was having a legitimate plan for my life. I though growing up was learning how to confront problems that you saw and learning how to deal with them. I thought growing up was being able to handle situations maturely and in person. But apparently I was wrong.
Growing up is leaving someone who makes a mistake in the dust. Growing up is never mentioning someone who makes you feel like the only person in the world that matters. Growing up is not learning from your mistakes, but making others pay for theirs. Growing up is talking to people through texts and phone calls and not in person.At least that's what some people are trying to tell me.
If that's really growing up, then I'm fine being an immature foolish child.

"You're not praying"
You care now? Where were you when I couldn't even go to Church on Sundays? Where were you when I was doubting God's existence? Where were you when I really wasn't praying? Did you ever ask me how my relationship with God was then? Or do you only 'care' now because you think you can make me have doubts and change my mind?

I am so tired. I can't fight this anymore. I don't want to. I don't want to fight. I hate this feeling of a coming conflict. I hate dreading a call. I hate dreading going home to a fight.

*sigh*

Why can't I just escape this?

Books...

Okay, so this is stemming from the song list... Here are some of my favorite books and why they make the list of favorite and what makes them special and how the term "you can't judge a book by it's cover" is wrong ;) And once again there is no Numerical significance of 'best to worst'.

1) The Visitation - Frank Peretti
*"Many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am he,' and will deceive many." Mark 13:6. That is this book. AMAZING*

2) Hangman's Curse & Nightmare Academy - Frank Peretti
*First Peretti books that I read, and re-read, and re-read again....*

3) The Mandie Books - Lois Gladys Leppard
*The first books that I really got into. I would just sit and read them for hours on end. These were the first books that I remember staying up late to finish because I couldn't wait till the nest morning*

4) Monster - Frank Peretti
*Amazing book that just tests your feelings on evolution and how God and creation work. I mean... What are your feelings on BigFoot?? *

5) The Circle Trilogy & Green - Ted Dekker
*I think that these may be the best books I have ever read... Ted Dekker takes imagery and symbolism to an entirely new level. I honestly think that he gives C.S.Lewis a run for his money. These books made me cry like a baby, laugh like a lunatic, and just gave me peace and hope. *

6) One Shenandoah Winter - T. Davis Bunn
*This was one of the last books that my Gamma Cushman gave to me. I read it every Christmas season but the story never gets old. Chokes my up every single time*

7) The Oath - Frank Peretti
*I love the way Peretti relates to sin in our lives. The way that he writes is so creative and unique. The way he portrays how sin in our lives can completely destroy not only ourselves, but those around us as well in genius.

8) Piercing the Darkness & This Present Darkness - Frank Peretti
*First books that I read that seriously dealt with Spiritual Warfare. They really are amazing. I don't know if this is really what's going on and we just can't see it, but it really did put a whole new perspective on things for me and how no matter what, I am not alone.*

9) The Patric Bowers Thriller (The Pawn, The Rook, The Knight)- Steven James
*I really like this guy. He does not shove Christianity down your throat, if anything he avoids that. The main character was married to a woman of faith until she passed away from cancer, so now faith to him is crazy. He is left with his step daughter so this is a story of their relationship and how they cope with life. Faith stumbles in every once in a while, but it ever plays a huge role... at least not yet...*

10) The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkien
*I really enjoyed this book, even more that the LOTR Trilogy. It's a great story of where life can take you and where you can end up when you had no intention of ever leaving your safe little bubble of a world.*

11) The Guardian - Nicolas Sparks
*I loved this book... Of course it's got a bitter sweet ending but that is just how he writes, But I love a good love story. And yes. I cried.*

12) The Shack - William P. Young
*Okay. Super controversial book in the Christian community. You have your opinion and I have mine. I loved it. This book made me cry/laugh it was great. I love it not because of it's Theological soundness/unsoundness, but because of the hope/perspective that it presents. There are things written in it that I have thought myself, things that I (maybe foolishly) hope for myself. *

13) Twilight Books - Stephanie Myers
*Okay... BEGGING you not to dis me... Yes. I know. Stupid and about vampires. Heard all the jokes and even cracked a few myself. But it's really no different from any other 'love story' except the main characters are vampires (which honestly is cool)
I mean seriously? What love story aimed at young girls does not portray the guy as the epitome of perfection (and as something that can never be attained by any 'mere mortal' man ;) so why not make him a vampire and make it that much more unattainable? ingenious if you ask me)?

14) Redeeming Love - Francine Rivers
*Beautiful rendition of the book or Hosea. A prostitute wining the undying love of Michael Hosea. This story is BEAUTIFUL and is a great example of Gods love for humanity. We don't deserve it. At all. And yet He bestows in upon us un-grudgingly and extravagantly.



There are many more books... But these are some of the best...

Songs...

So Will and I were talking today about favorite songs, and what they meant to us, why they make it to a position of 'favorite'. So here are my songs and why they are important (or were important) to me. They are numbered but not in any particular order, just to keep a count... Here goes...

1) Butterfly Kisses - Bob Carlisle
*This song was really one of my first favorites. I remember first hearing it and actually understanding the words and what they meant. I cried at the thought of a daddy saying goodbye to his daughter and giving her away to another man to take care of.*

2) Your Guardian Angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
* I was going through a time at Lee when I was scared to move forward but not wanting to go back. I felt alone and at the time it felt like my best friend was 1,500 miles away and with a whole life of their own. This song just made me feel so much better just to sing at the top of my lungs.*

3) I'll Be - Edwin McCain
* Yeah... Cheesy I know, But kind of the same reason as above. *

4) Wagon Wheel - Old Crow Medicine Show.
* This was the first 'real country' song that I fell in love with. I was also in the midst of trying to impress Will and show him that I could like his music too, not just my stuff that he didn't feel was worth anything.*

5) Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson
* Important cause I was in the middle of figuring out where I stood in everything. Am I a daughter? Am I an adult? What am I going to do with my life? This song kinda expressed the frustration of wanting to pull away and just do my own thing.*

6) When Did You Fall In Love With Me - Chris Rice
* Amazing song. Super cheesy, But so cute. I was probably 15 when I first heard this song and oh gosh did I want someone to fall in love with me so that we could fall in love together. Yes. Cheesy, silly, really funny, But totally me.*

7) Walking Her Home - Mark Schultz
* Okay, Another love song that made me cry the first few times i heard it and still chokes me up. *

8) Give Until There's Nothing Left - Relient K
* yeah... Totally the story of my life. GAH *

9) Bad Day - Daniel Powter
* Gosh.. I think I was depressed Sophomore Year Fall semester... *



OKay.. I may add some more later but i'm out of time for right now.. =]

Faith...

Have you ever felt like your faith was put to the test but it didn't come out on top? have you ever felt like you were in a pivotal moment in your life and the thing you thought the 'needed' to happen didn't happen? have you ever doubted something that you believed was suppose to be crucial to your faith?

I have.

I don't think I really, truly, way down deep, believe in healing... on the surface I do. On the surface I know that God can do anything. But when it comes down to the moment, and I am praying for someone to be healed, for a cancer to leave, for a life to be spared, for a back to be touched... There is a voice that gets stronger in my head... a voice that tells me that it hasn't happened yet and that it never will.
And so I pray, I prayed a simple prayer today... "You know (whoever I'm praying over) and you know me, show us your love, and heal them." seems easy enough... Maybe God would listen this time...
Negatory. Not today. Today was not that day that God would show us and prove his love to me.
Why the confusion? Why do I feel so confused? Why can't I just accept that sometimes people don't get healed? Is it because I always pray and nothing happens? Is it because I only ever hear about it but have never seen it?

I don't know... I only know what it feels like.

Writing to write...

So I feel like I just need to write. I don't care what about I just need to type and forget myself.
I love writing. It feels like such an escape for me so often. Even when I am so upset or angry that I can't even think straight, writing makes it all go clear. It is one thing that can organize my thoughts, it calms me down, and by the time I am done I generally feel so much better about myself and life in general.
This semester is huge. Last semester was great. I feel like I know who I am and know myself so much better. I am so much more stable that i have been in the past. I know how to pick friends and how to work out difficult situations. But now this semester is different. I'm being faced with a whole new predicament. One that I didn't think I would ever have to worry about again. But here it is staring me in the face.
I feel like this semester I need to be far more serious about God. There are big things happening in my life and I know I need Him to be a part of it all or none of it is going to work out.
This may not seem like much (and I know that it isn't much at all) But I think what I am going to start with as a small step is to set aside one day a week for the semester where I will go somewhere that I wont get distracted or disturbed and pray for 1 hour. I want to make it more as the semester goes on, but I figure small steps are the best way to get into good habits. I feel like this is something that I really need to be doing.
Also this semester i have gotten a new roommate and she seems super cool. She's from Maine too! Julie ans Steph are awesome. I am feeling so much closer to Julie this semester too, even tho it's early on. I feel like I can really talk to here about anything and that 99% of the time we are really on the same page. We have talked about her church quite a bit this semester and in some ways I am so jealous. I would love to have the same kind of community that she seems to have. she also seems to have such a better sense of what she really specifically believes. I guess that's the best way I can put it. But yeah, I love Julie. =]

So I suppose I'll do something a little different this time. If you are actually reading this, and you are my friend, and you care about me, can you please say a little prayer for me about this semester and some stuff going on in my life? Thanks so much if you do, I really do appreciate it.

~Alyssa

Empathy, Blessing or curse?

"You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person's perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person's predicament -- this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings -- to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you."

This is suppose to me, and at times it is very accurate. and that's what I'm writing about. I can be so frustrating to be able to 'see through someone else's eyes' and not be able to explain that to another person. It can be so hard not to get frustrated with other people for not feeling the same way as I do about certain things and situations. But is that right of me? I mean honestly, that is one of my biggest gifts, so can I possibly be upset with someone for not having the same strength that I do? I don't know...

All I know for sire is that I can see things through other peoples eyes. I can get so passionate about something, just because I "understand" how someone can get into the situation that they are in. I don't necessarily condone their behavior (if it's something that someone chose) but I can understand the 'Why'.

Why is a big deal with me... "Why did you do that?" "Why are you sorry?" "Why is the system the way it is?" "Why did you say that?" Understanding the 'why' makes me feel almost closer to people.

I want to help people. In my life, I want to do good where other people have done wrong. When people are broken, I want to be part of the repair. I want God to use me as a tool to take hurt away from people. I want to make kids that feel they are worthless know that they are important and mean something. I want men and women who feel lost and alone, to know that someone cares and is willing to be with them ever step of the way. I want teens to know that they can fool everyone but me, and that they don't have to fake who they are. I want to be genuine and feel like i serve a real purpose.

Just thinking about that makes me ready to do something! Anything! I want to be a help. I want to be a part of the solution. But not everyone understands that. And I can't blame them...

All I ask is for support... You may not understand, But support me. I can't explain the way I feel any better than this. It's like when Jeremiah says: “And if I say, I will not make mention of him, nor speak any more in his name, then there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with forbearing, and I cannot contain” (Jer. 20:9) I feel that this is my call. No. I know that this is my call.

This is who I am... The best way I can put it into words... I don't come with the perfect plan to stay 'disconnected' or keep 'work at work' I know that this isn't going to be easy, that there will be days that are going to be hard. Those days when I Re-realize that I can't 'fix' people. But I'm ready for that. This is who I am...

Empty?

I feel so empty. I know that i should not... I know i should be in the happiest most carefree spot in my life... but i'm not. i can think of a hundred reason what i should smile, why i should forget my worries, why i should not doubt... but all those reasons seem so hollow... so... distant. like a childish belief i once held before reality hit me. now i just feel empty.

i can push it off... and then feel like nothing is wrong... sometimes for weeks at a time. but then it hits. and the longer i've pused those thoughts from my mind, the harder they come back. it hurts my heart, makes my stomach feel sick, makes my eyes water, makes me feel lightheaded.... i feel so much at the same time that it's like i'm feeling nothing at all.

i don't know what to do anymore... I don't know what to say. I just don't know. I can hear my own advice and words of wisom ringing in my head, but that's all it is... just some irritating noise in my head that wont shut up. i want to believe, i want to have faith, i want to feel Gods presence, i want to feel whole and full, but... when i pray about it... the words just don't come... my mind goes blank and all i can do is stare at the floor and feel like i'm suffocating. it's like drownding. it's like i can't take a deep enough breath. and i can't think of anything to say... all i can say is 'i'm lost God... I'm so lost... Do you care?'

But i don't know what to do. I want to be held.

Last night in church I knew God was there... I knew He wanted to do something. I could feel it as soon as i walked into the building... It is so strange to know you are completely wrong with God, and then still be able to feel His presence. My heart was racing, and i couldn't tell why. the sermon that was shared was not particularly earth shattering, but the speaker showed two movie clips that relaly hit home, and then every single song that was played felt like a direct poke at my heart. every word to the songs peirced through me. At one point when i sang these songs i sang them genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, and with a true passion. so all I could do was cry, and it was a good cry too.

So now I'm not sure where I am... But I think I'm better off than I was before. At least I feel better. I'm trying... I really am.

s

Back at long last

So Im finally back at school Back with my friends. And back with Will. Oh gosh. I missed Everyone so much this summer. This semester is going to have to be a turning point in my life. I've got to buckle down, get priorities straight, and work hard. I have so much responsibility on my plate, and while it's intimidating, i think i'm finally up for the challenge. I'm excited to take it all on and see if i can handle it. I'm so excited for this year and all that it holds.
Okay, well I guess that's it for now!
later =]

Not Sure

So once again I'm in a pickle.
I care but I don't care anymore.
She is so ignorant.
She doesnt see the love all around her.
And instead is blinded by so many lies that all she can exude is lies and hatred.
She Has pushed me to my limit.
There is no turning back.
I can't and wont care in the same way that I have up until now.
I have dealt with the lies.
I have dealt with the empty promises.
I have dealt with conversations that lasted hours and went no where.
But I won't deal with this.
Not anymore.
You will not deceive me again.
I will be here.
I will do my best to show you love and care.
But I'm done expecting you to change.
Good Job.
You're only the second person to ever make me loose that hope that you will change.
Only the second.
Congratulations.

Break

So summer break is....
Well I can't quite make up my mind as to what it is.
It's been relaxing, stressful, fun, boring... yeah
I've finished two books already, more than halfway through the third and am going to start Twilight...
work is... well it's work.
Just not enough of it.
I'm only working two days this coming week.
So I don't know how I'm going to have any money for school.
I'm officially going to have to take out some major loans this semester.
This will be the first time.
and I keep telling myself that's a good thing
I made it through two years without having to take one out.
But the thought of starting it now is kind of scary
But it's okay
I'll be alright.
I also miss my friends
and of course my boyfriend
why on earth I go to a school 1500 miles from home i really don't know.
But that's also okay.
He's coming to visit in 24 days and then there is only a month and a half till I get to see everyone else.
but in all of that, it's so good to be home.
I have missed being here.
I love my family
They are all growing up so fast.
I'll have to tell you all about them later.
ttfn! =P

Endings...

Another ending, or is it another beginning?

It seems like the end to everything is just the beginning of another thing.

Time is such a funny thing, it moves at such a strange pace.

Someone recently told me that time is perfect, if it moved any faster or any slower it would suck. 

So much has happened in the past two years. 

I can hardly believe it all when I think about it.

God has been leading me and directing me for so long.

I have been so blessed.

There have been so many opportunities for me to royally screw up, so many times that it would have been easy for me to just give it up and do what i want to do.

But through it all I've stayed on track.

Not because of me, and my will, but because of Him, and the people He has placed in my life.

Some people have been in my life only for a season when I thought they would be in it forever, others have stayed far longer than I thought they would.

I have finally started to learn to appreciate endings, because with each one comes the opportunity to begin something new.

Communication is Key

Is there anything better than pouring out your heart to another person? Is there anything better than knowing that you can tell someone anything, and then actually doing it? I have realized that I found that person. We can talk about anything and everything. I don't know if I actually fully realized that until tonight. Instead of doing anything else we sat and talked for two hours about everything. Our hopes and dreams, our fears, our churches, church itself, families, future and how terrifying it is.

I sometimes wish that I could make things for other people so much more simple for them. I wish that I could actually make everything work out fine and dandy. If only I could simplify the lives of others. But I feel like in just listening and being there I am helping in some way or another. I feel like I'm being used, in every positive meaning of that word.

I guess that's it for tonight... Just needed to throw that out there. =]

People

So finals are coming up.. and I'm realizing it's the end of another year. Isn't that just crazy? I've been here for two years... So much has happened. These have by far, been the most crazy two years of my life. So much has happened. So much good, yet there has been plenty of room for bad. Yet I don't think I would change anything if i could. I am a different person than i was two years ago... I was Naive and so full of expectations and worries and hopes and dreams. So confident in myself and yet at the same time absolutely terrified, doubtful, and in a totally new environment.

I have had so many friends that have come and gone in these two years, so many relationships i thought would last forever, some that i hoped would last forever, that all ended more abruptly than i care to think about. I have realized that 'I' can choose who i want to be, who i want to be around, how i want to treat people. I have realized that i make the decision that dictate my life. I don't have to follow other peoples plans for my life. I know that it's up to me.

there have been times when i lost myself to other people. when i have put more into others lives than into my own. I have tried to live up to everyone else's expectations and forgotten my own. I have tried braking away from everyones expectations and lost myself.

And then I finally decided that none of it really mattered. All that mattered was if I was myself! And then i was happy. I stopped letting myself be controlled by the people around me and started living my life for ME. that was definitely a big moment and decision and HUGE process for me.

I have learned to deal with people. I have realized that everyone is different. Everyone does not think like me, and other people don't look at things the way that i do. I have tried to be a voice of reason when it's needed. (altho I'm not always good at listening to it) I have learned to look at things from other peoples point of view. I have learned to understand other people. That is the greatest gift God has given me. It's nowhere near perfection, but at least i try.

I have learned that just because a situation is not completely comfortable for me doesn't mean that it's wrong. My views on some things have changed, i am learning the art of choosing 'wisely' which battles are worth fighting in. I have learned how to recognize a true friend. I have learned to recognize a lie.

I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I have had heartache, I have had true joy, I have been confused, I have seen the light, I have procrastinated, I have become the Queen of Procrastination, I have been naive and innocent, and I have used Urban Dictionary, I am truly the person that I want to be. There is room for me to grow into a better person, But I am happy when I look in the mirror. I know who it is that I am looking at when i see my reflection.

I have found my core group of friends that I can always go back to, nomatter what. You know who you are. I don't have to name you. I love you.

*sigh*

First of all i would like to apologize to Phillip Hair. This is, yet again, going to be a sucky-hate people-life is stupid-i'm not happy-i'm depressed blog. I'm sorry. this is my outlet when i feel that way... sorry

Secondly, i would like to say that I am not happy, and i have no motivation to do anything (including but not limited to studying for exams, witting a paper, going to meetings... etc)

Thirdly, I just want to cry... but once again for some reason unknown to me i just plain can't get the tears to start flowing. last time this happened it took God smacking me upside the head at Convocation to actually get me to open up the floodgates.

Fourth, I have no idea what to do about any of it.

So yeah... I've gotten myself here again. Except I really can't figure out how it's my fault.. I really can't... usually I know what i did...not this time...
It's not my fault that i care. is it my fault that i care too much? is it my fault that i know exactly how much i can and cannot handle? did i overreact and can i handle more than i say i can and am i just being a 'cop out friend'?

I basically broke off all ties with someone who was at one point a best friend... told them i couldn't care about them anymore... that all i had been was hurt and that they never listened to me... yeah... so if you have issues i can't be your friend. i can only handle so much ya know. I can't handle stuff like that anymore. If i can't fix you in a timely fashion then apparently your too much trouble. i don't give up on people... i can't... and now my ties are severed.. i have snapped. finally quit on someone. knew i'd do it someday... but i didn't realize it would come so soon.

I don't know what to say or what to do. at times i feel justified... but then at moments like this i feel like i have fallen short....


AND THEN, if that wasn't enough... now i may have hurt another friendship... i called them out... i had been hearing that they were not doing good, that they were not with the right people, that they were being disrespectful, and that they just seemed to be falling short... so I called them out.. from a thousand miles away... and know what? they got upset... they accused me of doing things that they know i would never do. i don't know what to say or do. i feel lost in all this mess..


on top of all of this emotional stress there is the stress of school. I feel like i'm shutting down. i don't care anymore. i feel totally indiferent. i have an exam in the morning. i have a paper due later tomorow. havent started the paper, and i've barely studied. i just don't care. i have no motivation at all.

I'm to that point where all i want to do is find a quiet place and just sit there. i don't want to be expected to do anything. i want to just be. exist. that's all i want for a day. i am totally drained. and i don't know what is going to rejuvinate me.

i know what i need.. i need to be with God. But that means forgetting all that i'm suppose to be doing. because when i try to pray, and just have a quiet time, it works for a few minutes, but when i want to spend more time than ususal i can't concentrate.

*sigh*

I'm a mess again. great. Can I please just be done for the semester? please? I hate most of my classes anyway.

I'm sorry to be such a kill joy. soon as i get a good cry i'll be fine. for real. i'm a weird girl like that. so who's up for a sad movie marathon?

Distance between hearts?

So. I have a problem. I don't know where I stand anymore with some people. I use to be the one person that no matter what could call them out. I use to be the best friend. But now I'm a thousand miles away, more busy with life than I have ever been, and feel like I can't fill the same role I use to. All I hear is one side of the story and the story is looking bleak. I am so worried. Every time I think about them I get upset and worried and just wanna call or write a letter... But I don't know if I can anymore... I mean I use to be the person that could say anything and not make them upset with me... But now.. with a thousand miles between us and me more busy with life than I have ever been... I just don't know...

*Sigh*

I just wish this were easier. I wish I could get a clear answer. I feel obligation. But I'm scared at the reaction.

Lost along the way...

"[L] is for the way you look at me, [O] is for the only one I see, [V] is very, very extraordinary, [E] is even more than anyone that you adore."



"What is love Baby don't hurt me Don't hurt me no more Baby don't hurt me Don't hurt me no more"



"Words come easy but dont mean much When the words theyre sayin we cant put trust in Were talkin bout love in a different light And if we all learn to love it would be just right Hey, tell me havent ya heard? Luv, is a serious word Hey, I think its time ya learned I dont care what they say I dont care care what ya heard The word luv, luv is a verb"



"Hey, Can't kick the habit Yeah, I got to have it Yeah, I 'm what they call a Love addict, Love addict Hey, can't live without it Yeah, G'on shout about it Hey, I'm a symptomatic Love addict, Love addict "





So... Yeah. The biggest four letter word that so many of us have forgotten. I have forgotten.

I don't even know where to begin with this one so please bear with me... I guess the best place i could start would be with this:





"13:1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."



This chapter of 1 Chorinthians, wedged in between chapters discussing the importance and function of spiritual gifts in the lives of Christians. Notice verses 1-3. We can have all of these wonderful gifts, but if we don't have love then everything else is pointless.

As a Christian, I know that I have fallen so short... in everything.

I have not loved as He loved, I have acted as though I get to decide who is worhty of my love and who is not. I have even forgotten the very definition of Love.



As Christians we have lost sight of what Love is, it's purpose and significance in our lives, and how it is suppose to be presented in out lives. We have decided that we know what is best and that if someone is not the same as us, has different beliefs, looks different, smells funny, has an irritating personality, then we don't have to love them. We don't have to treat them as an equal... and the list goes on.



I have acted bitter, spitefull, and hatefull towards people that i should have been showing love to. We live in a broken world full of hurting people. We all know at least one person who needs Love, maybe you are the person that needs Love. How does it need to be shown? maybe all somone needs is a hug... a smile... you saying that they are in your thoughts and prayers...
We can see that all people want is to be loved and to show love. (at least the majority of people) Look at the song lyrics again. they are all about finding love and figuring out what it is. WHy are we not showing the world what love really is. at that wether or not it is deserved is not part of the question.



Am I patient?

Am I kind?

Do I demand my own way?

Am I jealous?

Am I boastful?

Am I iritable?

Do I keep a record of wrongs?

Am I happy when the truth comes out?

Do I never give up or lose faith?

Do I enure through every circumstance?



Sometimes I can come out on top... Sometimes I bottom out...

I guess im trying to say is that without love we have nothing. We can think that we are the best Christian when in all actuality we are sometimes the most refutable examples of Christ that can be found.

~Lyss